Life Update: more steps of progress.

I’ve removed the greyed-out “he/il” leaving only “she/elle” pronouns in my work email signature block. I only use my female name and pronouns during introductions and leave it at that; no longer explaining my gender identity, leaving it up to the observer to take me for who I am.

Even though I still arrive and depart my office in male expression, I feel a bit uncomfortable doing so, like maybe I’m ashamed now of that part of me? There are those who have never known that side of me and it’s almost like I don’t want to break that image or let my female self down.

It’s coming up almost three years since I decided to express solely my feminine self at work or work related activities. I’ve grown in confidence, taken some giant leaps and now doing things I never would have attempted if I’d remained solely masculine. Yoga, soccer, sports day, fitness test (pushing my limits for Silver level for the third straight year), and now hitting the ice to play with the Wings women’s team. And consider the fact I just turned 62!…but I sure as heck don’t feel it or let that stop me from enjoying myself.

And while life at home continues as if nothing had changed, obviously there are changes. I wear my studs more often, my hair is getting longer, my beard is thinner and not as dark anymore thanks to laser. I just wish my wife would want to talk to me about this. I don’t “hide”, but it’s also not completely out on the table. That’s the biggest struggle I’m going through right now.

Come the middle of December, I’ll be away from the office for five weeks of required “no work“ (I can only work 330 days in a rolling 364 days as I’m a retired pensioned member working now as a reservist). This could be an interesting time without expressing my female self for days at a time, though I’ll still get out as Michelle to hockey practices.

So what does that all mean?

Well for one thing, I now consider myself more of a trans woman who expresses her masculine self sometimes, a change from being bigender; equal parts male/female. My situation is always on my mind, it’s not something I can easily put aside.

And I believe I can answer my friend, Nata’s question “which side is stronger?” I think most of you can figure it out.

Life goes on, steps are taken but the destination isn’t yet fully known.

Be strong; be your authentic self!

Michelle (she/elle)

• Posted in: The Early Years
• Tagged: bigender, dualgender, gender expression, gender identity, progressing, trans, transgender