Reflect on the events of this past Saturday and some questions that where asked of me, along with the phone chat I had recently with the social worker in Halifax, I am starting to wonder where my current journey may take me.
(Saturday July 15th was raising of the Pride flag in Wolfville Nova Scotia. I had been determined to attend and was fortunate to be joined by some friends I had previously met along with meeting new ones.)
Questions posed: What am I hoping to gain from the mental health services? If I could dress (present) more often, would I? Am I still finding myself? Transgender, crossdresser, gender queer…what am I?
In the past, I have had a feeling of loss when, after finding someone (on line) who presented very nicely in there feminine role and seemed to be of similar mind set as myself, would then decide to progress further down the transgender road and transition or at least live their lives as “their true selves”. I felt like I had lost a “brother”.
I’m still jealous of those who are able to express themselves with little restriction or with exceptional presentation. There are also those in larger cities who have social support groups where they meet monthly and have outings with friend and/or spouses. We really don’t have anything like that in Nova Scotia (not yet anyways).
There is at least one contact I have on FB who has found a balance in their lives and is very happy being a guy but has also embraced their female side, is fully out and alternates between the two as events and occasions dictate.
In the couple of sessions I’ve had with social workers, I tell them I have lived my life balancing the crossdressing with my other life responsibilities. I’m now of the belief that I’m now placing more weight on the crossdressing (now referred to as transgender) end of the scale and I’m looking to move the fulcrum to regain that balance. What is it going to take to move that point? What do I need to do to regain a balance. That’s one of the objectives I have in discussing this with the social worker.
This past Saturday, I spent almost 8 hrs presenting as female. Met with friends, had coffee, attended a public gathering, stopped for gas and milk, bought ice-cream and sat around in public, all while feeling completely “at ease”. There was no feeling of nervousness. (I don’t think there is a single word to describe the feeling of excitement/euphoria/happiness/enjoyment/normalcy that I was experiencing). There wasn’t even the normal desire to snap pictures every few minutes. This was all about being out and interacting in public presenting as Michelle…being “normal”.
I’m quite happy with my presentation and had a fantastic time. But where does that experience leave me?
Back to trying to answer some of my questions; if I could dress (present) more often, would I? Right as of this moment, yes. Although it takes a lot of preparation (ie close, close shave etc), it would not be something I’d do for days on end. More along the lines of a couple times a week or as a situation allowed. Maybe nothing for weeks. Does this thought pattern (along with many other’s swirling around my grey matter) now remove me from the simple ‘Crossdresser’ label and place me more firmly into the ‘Transgender’ one? Personally I thinking yes. I love to present my femme side. Or does this make me Gender Queer, a newer term being bantered around these days?
In the past number of years, I have read may others personal experiences on progression and had wondered if it could/would happen to me. I had denied for the longest time that it could (I was happy with who I was and how my dressing was incorporated into my life and treated it as a hobby), but now realize I seem to be following the same progression as so many others. Is this a result of aging? Chemical changes (differing amounts, differing results for different people) in the brains of transgender folk maybe? I’m sure these days, due to a more accepting public (for the most part, at least in Canada), if one has any sort of tendency towards being trans*, this might bring them out of the proverbial closet.
As so many have experienced, as a young child when I first dressed, I had no idea of social restrictions, sexual feelings etc, I just wanted to LOOK like the girls. Adolescence came with the usual feelings of arousal/pleasure. This past Saturday however, I have to admit, was the first time I went all day with no sexual feelings…I was just being me. More progressive steps down the road to…?
Am I still finding myself?
Despite my best personal effort and belief that I had “found” myself a number of years ago, through writing my own and reading others blogs, I now believe I am on a similar road of progression and self-discovery that so many others have experienced.
I really don’t know where this is now going to take me…
Happy 150th Canada!
Well……Well, well, well, well. Where to start. Where I left off I suppose.
I know it’s been a long time (again) since my last entry, life, family, car maintenance and job have all kept me busy, but not too busy as to be able to dress on occasion.
Back in December, I had a couple of issues I needed to talk to my CO about. As I hope to be able to expand participation within the local LGBTQ+ community in the future, I used the opportunity to have “the talk” with him. I wanted him to hear everything from me and not by accident from other sources. His response, “you have to be true to yourself, as long as it doesn’t bring shame to The Forces”. Wow! Great relief.
Things where quiet during the winter, but for TDOV, 31 March, I posted my small homemade Trans* flag on the inside wall of my cubical. Not in plain site unless you stepped right in. Small steps.
Towards the end of April was my next opportunity to dress, a few hours, but as always, enjoyable! (Pics are posted on Flickr as always)
The month of May proved to be a bit of an emotional roller coaster. During this time, my dancing daughter heads to a competition in Moncton NB. The past two years my wife and eldest daughter have also gone, giving my almost a week of possible dressing time (work schedule depending). I was informed I would be taking her this year. Initially this was a downer…however, upon discussion with the two girls (who OKed the plan), I decided that I would spend some of the time dressed. I was very excited about the prospect of spending a couple days exploring Moncton and possibly even watching the dance competition enfemme.
Then the inevitable change of plans (I still don’t know if these kind of things just happen to me or, if I was the suspicious type, I would suspect my wife plans and was making these changes on purpose) she was going with the girls, I would stay home with my son and TWO international students. Oh yes, we had picked up another student in January, from China…so if I wanted to dress for extended periods of time (outside school hours), I would now have to talk to him, which I did and all went well, no issues!
So, anyway, before the dance comp, our Chinese student need to go to the city (Halifax) and complete an English exam. By pure luck, the times worked out on that Saturday, that after dropping him off, I was able to attend the FLY community coffee. Although it was Trans Guys week (my luck), I was able to meet another member Katie and had a great talk. I was also fortunate to find a couple pair of flats out of the many pairs that one of the guys had brought from his neighbor. Bonus!
Friday the 19th May proved to be another one of those firsts. After exchanging a couple messages with another Nova Scotia gal, she arranged to come over from the south shore (an hour and a half drive) to have coffee, both in girl mode. We met at the bottom of the local highway off ramp. I jumped out of my car and gave her a big hug, as passing traffic (and a cop car…lol) drove by and I wasn’t nervous or anything. Darlene wanted to go through the local drive through for coffee but I initially backed out of the idea, but while driving as I got closer…”what the heck…” and drove through. Ordered an Ice Cap in my best feminine voice…again, no issues. We then drove to a local picnic park and talked for something line 3 hours or more. Just a tremendous feeling of freedom!
Just so you can appreciate how nervous I have been in the past and never dressed in the local area, the village I live outside of has a population of only around 7000. The adjoining village has about the same. The RCAF Base I work at is the largest employer in the area, so I have always been sensitive to running into someone I might know. However, my mind set is changing. I’m opening up, as you will read about in a bit.
The time went too quickly, but I had other tasks to attend to. Prior to heading home, I texted my two sons to let them know I was dressed and on the way home. They in turn let me know that their girlfriends would also likely be there….I had given them the ok to tell them about ‘Michelle’…how would this go. Only #3’s girlfriend (L) was there…again no issues. Later that evening, the 2 Internationals, son and girlfriend and I sat around the campfire with marshmallows, chocolate (and red win for me) and had a blast! (and we didn’t even talk about crossdressing…lol)
Saturday was a guy-stuff-to-do day.
Sunday was another girly day. I had to drop one of the IS’s off at his drama group and I then used the opportunity to drop in on the ladies bathroom at the local mall (this was a really big first for me). Passed another woman as I went in and one as I came out after checking hair and makeup. All great. Then I walked around a local park but was surprised how quiet it was, sort of disappointing really. It was then home, slight change and out for my now annual bike ride. I did the same route as I had done the previous year, only in reverse. Again, what an exhilarating feeling.
That evening #2’s girlfriend (R) got to meet me. Well, it couldn’t have gone any better. Later that evening the three of us “girls” (L, R and me) sat around the kitchen table talking make-up (kind of pissed off my eldest son as he was trying to watch a movie in the adjoining room…lol). She had a number of very sensible questions, one being “I’m unsure about pronouns, what should I use?”. For me, it’s how I’m presenting at that time. I told my son she’s a keeper…lol. A question that I struggle with was one she also asked “if it was more acceptable for you to dress, would you?” My answer, “yes, but…”. It’s an ever lingering question, one I’m really attempting to answer as I explore this part of my life.
The “high” I was experiencing even lasted until the following day, as even without much makeup and simply dressed, I looked in the mirror and saw my fem self.
The next week I posted this on my FB page “Back to reality, back to work. NO. Strike that…just, back to work. Everything that occurred this weekend WAS reality. I can’t deny it. My head is spinning somewhat”.
With that I re-engaged the mental health unit on my base. An hour long talk with the social worker was again enlightening. Though she has 17 years’ experience, only 3 months working with the military, and not a great deal of knowledge in this subject, she was willing to learn from those who do. At the end of the session I showed her a couple of pictures. She was quite taken back and said “please don’t take this the wrong way, but you look like a woman”. I now have to talk with someone else next week. In the year since I last talked to this other woman, there has been some change in my desires/wants/needs. We will see where this takes me. I am also looking for help in talking with my wife as to my expanding desires to be more out and participating in the LGBTQ community.
With June being Pride month, Bill 16 passing here in Canada, and the desire to have more flexibility to pursue counselling and other activities associated with trans+ issues, it was time to tell my direct supervisor. He is someone I have known for many years, been my boss a couple times (though same rank, Captain) and volunteered with for local hockey events. Wow…total acceptance, total support. If I need time for appointments, just let him know so he can move my work schedule around to accommodate.
One more talk to have in the coming weeks, the new incoming CO. Again, someone I’ve known and flown with in the past. Apparently it gets easier to tell others…will see. Stay tuned. I’ll try and not be so long between postings.
sorry it’s been so long, but a new entry will be coming soon. Quite a bit has happened along with some fantastic new experiences. M.
And the FIRSTS continue!
Talking to a professional
So, my first talk with a professional was with the Base physiologist back in July. Though quite nervous of what may lay ahead, I really wanted to get started. Her first question was “why are you here?” To which I eventually got out “gender issues”. Her next question was “do you feel like you are a woman?”. The initial answer is NO…and then there is the BUT. I then explain everything I know about myself. I also mention I’m looking for a referral to see a couples councilor in order that I can communicate better with my wife. She agreed that that was a good idea but first she wanted me to talk to another physiologist on another Base in the area who’s specialty was gender issues.
After waiting a number of weeks with no news of an appointment, I happened to be chatting with Friend on Face book who has seen this person in the past and pass me the contact information I needed.
It was a few days later before I found some time to give the next physiologist a call. For 45 mins she listened to my story and asked a number of questions. In the end she stated “I’m not really sure there is much I can do for you at this point. You seem to know a lot about the subject and about yourself”. She stated that I wasn’t the only one in the Forces either. She summed up by saying “you’ve got your shit together”. I got the feeling that her gender issues field deals more with those with gender dysphoria or looking to transition, than with cross dressers. She did recommend the couples counselling and not to hesitate to contact her if I needed someone to talk to.
Due to a change in my work contract, I will now have to wait until at least December before I can pursue the couples counselling.
Fortunately I have never been a hairy individual, but it’s now over a year that I have body hair free! The longest time between leg shaves is between 7 and 10 days. I wore shorts/swim trunks with no don’t saying anything!
One beautiful day in July I was able to enjoy swimming in a bikini and lounging on the deck in a short sun dress. What a thrill. If I had more chances to do this I might, but there are always other priorities in my life.
Different yes, but still relevant. With just a few weeks before the start of school, we were asked if we could host an International student from Turkey as his host family had backed out at the last minute. As we had a spare bedroom, my wife had very quickly said yes. My suspicious mind immediately thought she had done this to restrict my dressing opportunities. Hopefully I’m just being paranoid.
October: Community coffee, a talk and dressing time
At the beginning of September my wife had mentioned that her dad had got four tickets to the Toronto at Ottawa NHL seasoned opener. She and the two oldest kids would be heading to the nations capital for a few days…(mind working, ideas aplenty).
All would depart on Tuesday, game Wednesday night, kids return on Thursday and my wife in Saturday after spending some time with her dad and step mom. Wednesday was also my last day of my current contract (actually worked Tuesday night/Wednesday morning). This would work out nicely for a couple days of dressing.
“Wait a minute. What about that international student?”
Well, as soon as I know of the conflict between my dressing plans and acquiring an IS, and the fact our high school gets out at 2pm, which would severely cut into my time, I know the only option was to tell him about my Michelle side. I spent the weeks leading up to the event gauging his attitude, likes, dislikes, etc, etc; he is a smart and knowledgeable, open minded, non-religious…overall someone I believed I could trust telling.
The Saturday before the gang left for Ottawa, I had to take our IS to the city to meet-up with one of his countrymen who was staying in another town some distance away. I also had to pick-up #1 and bring her home. On the hour and a half drive into the city, we had a good chat on a variety of topics…and then I brought up the subject. In the end he said “that is weird, but very interesting. Can you teach me more about the differences in men and women? I can use them for improv” (he is big into music, acting and improvisation). Again, an unexpected response, but positive is always good!
Community Coffee. I dropped the IS off at a mall with his friend and by luck, the timings worked out well, that I was able to drop in on the local trans* support groups pre-meeting community coffee time. The group alternates between transmen, transwomen, trans all, trans all plus. This was a transmen week but I was still able to meet a number of folks at the coffee time, probably spoke too much as I never did drink a coffee during that hour…oops, sorry. Even though I was in drab…still another first.
Ok, back to the action. As I had way too much stuff to do on Wednesday, I used any free time to prepare. The master plan was to do as much as possible enfemme for the next couple of days: Thursday pickup IS from drama practice, drop him at home, head to airport to get #1 and 2, drop 1 at apartment and then return home. Friday, take #4 to ballet practice after school, hang around town for a number of hours (go for a walk in a park, grab some groceries), then home.
As I wanted to look my best until later in the day, I didn’t shave my face until around noon both days. Thursday went to plan, skirt suit and heals was the choice of clothing as I hadn’t worn a skirt outside the house in years. The IS was waiting for me in the school parking lot, I drove up to him, he looked at me and started to walk away…It wasn’t until I call to him he clued in, “Oh, I didn’t recognize you…wow”. I didn’t get a chase to get out of the car at the airport as both 1 & 2 where waiting for me, but I did get out and give #1 a hug when I dropped her at her apartment. By the time I got home, including the almost 4 hour round trip to the airport/city, and the pre-travel dressing I’d done, I realized why my right foot was starting to hurt…I’d been wearing these heals for over 8 hours! (you guessed, another first!). However, after removing both shoes, wiggling my toes to get the circulation back, I was still able to slit them back on and walk again. They really are a comfortable pair of heals.
Friday…did not go as planned. #4 didn’t feel well after school and despite my best efforts to convince her otherwise, she was not going to attempt ballet. There I was, all dressed up (or dressed down in a casual look) and no please to go, well at least to kill the hours I was supposed to be waiting around for. My daughter knew I was disappointed and said “you know you can still go out”…but where? I had no real reason to drive the 30 minutes to that town, but I eventually drove 15 minutes in the opposite direction to smaller community and enjoyed a late day walk around the sports field track and a riverside park. At the track there was one elderly gentleman walking his dog away from me, but half way around, looking into the slowly setting sun, I could see someone else walking towards me. Turned out to be another woman, walking her dog. She greeted me with a big smile and very friendly “hello”. I returned the greeting and continued my walk. Although it wasn’t the grandiose outing I had hoped for, it was still none the less, a fantastically liberating feeling to be out and no one caring or noticing who or what I was.
Friday evening I changed outfits a couple of times, once the IS asked if I was going out somewhere. Unfortunately no other local friends where available…oh well. Towards the end of the evening, the IS and I engaged in quit the discussion on ideas as to what goes on in peoples brains, those of gays, trans*, fetal development, being some of the topics. It lasted well over an hour and a half. About half way through the discussion, the IS suddenly said “your voice has changed”. I had started off using my femme voice to maintain the total image I wanted to portray, but had had let it drop some, but not all the way back to male, while I focused on the conversation. It had landed somewhere in between, but was very comfortable and easily maintained but wasn’t my regular voice. I also noted that I had been standing in a feminine manor for the whole time and using my hands more while I talked. There would be “an echo” of this posture the next morning.
Back to drab on Saturday…standing in the hallway outside the dance studio my daughter was teaching at (teaches younger kids in the recreational program, I also happen to be the President of the Board of Directors…but that’s another story), talking to a number of parents, almost exclusively mothers, I caught myself standing with my weight on my right leg/hip and my left leg relaxed and bent inwards at the knee…I was also talking a lot with my hands…eeks (lol). Did anyone notice? I slowly backed up and sat on the table that happened to be behind me. Don’t think anyone cared.
These opportunities, though currently quite infrequent, are always enjoyable (despite any setbacks that may be encountered along the way). I do so hope I can get out socially more often in the future (I’ve probably said that many times before), but it will be a new year soon, and who knows what the future will hold. In the mean, time enjoy dressing when you can!
A YEAR WITH A NUMBER OF FIRSTS
I know its been quite a while since my last entry, but its been a interesting first half to the year.
Life in general has been busy. After starting one job, basically to fill my time, I eventually started my reserve force contract. Many new regulations and procedures to learn, along with numerous refreshers, but its good to be back working with many past co-workers.
February did present dressing opportunities. Nothing spectacular, just the regular jaunt through the closet, some pics etc. The nice weather (unlike last year) did present the opportunity for some outdoor photos.
I have mentioned in the past that I now do almost all of my dressing while my wife is out of the house, as I’m still struggling with the strange feeling of embarrassment dressing in front of her. So, it was with much anticipation I looked forward to my youngest daughters dance competition season, with one competition taking her and my wife to a city some distance away. That would be the Canadian May long weekend (actually Thursday to Sunday evening). Now my four kids know and don’t mind me dressing, but not my eldest daughter’s boyfriend, who, after both finished the university year in April, would be staying with us for the summer. This would definitely restrict my dressing during this time.. So it was great to hear that they both would be going with my wife and #4 for those four days. I had to work on the Thursday and Friday but would still have the rest of the weekend with only the two boys at home.
Thursday evening I used to ensure things would be ready so as not to waist any time when I got home on Friday. Wigs combed out, laundry done etc. As it was Friday of a long weekend (Monday Holiday) I left work just after lunch (as did most everyone else) and headed straight for the tub and shaved…the weekend had begun!
And what a weekend it was; Friday afternoon until late Sunday evening, all spent enfem. As I alluded to in the title, I was able to experience a number of firsts. Though the weather had been nice, our pool was not yet very warm, but that didn’t stop me from having my first full enfem swim. Something else I had always wanted to do was go on a bike ride. Saturday morning I set out with my wife’s old bike, but 15 mins into the ride, something wasn’t quite right with the front wheel. so I returned home hoping I didn’t get a flat tire. I changed over to my daughters bike and set off once more. An hour and a half later I completed my first ever enfem ride, down open country roads, through the nearest subdivision and home again.WOW, what a feeling. Along the way, numerous people in their front yards had seen me, and ignored me (lol), a couple of guys in trucks had craned their necks to get a better look (giggle) and I passed a number of other women (going in the opposite direction) who were jogging/walking, all of whom I had exchanged “good day”s and “Hi”s with. And not a single strange look.
Sunday afternoon I had been invited out for a late lunch by my very good GG friend Elizabeth (wife of Rachael) who I’ve mentioned before. I pointed out to them that it was our one year anniversary since we first met in person. We settled on a fairly local, small but popular diner, which wouldn’t be that busy in the afternoon. I decided to dress casual; leggings and zipper hoodie. When leaving the house, my ever so slight angst quickly disappeared and replaced by excitement. Even as I rounded a corner and encountered an RCMP check stop, I didn’t feel any panic, just “oh shit. Well….lets see what happens.” Side note: the car I was driving has an over due safety inspection. This is something the police where checking. So this is how the spot went: “do you have your drivers licence?” “yes I do but it’s a bit different from the way I look right now”, hand him my licence. “Where are you off to?” me with a limp wrist single finger waving point down the side road “to the Farmers Diner”. He hands me back my licence and says “have a good afternoon and drive safe”, me “thank you very much”. As I drive off I can see in my mirror the two officers come together still watching after me. I wonder what they where talking about? hehe. Was it my cleavage or batting eyes that distracted him from checking the safety sticker?
Lunch and the conversation where great. I put on my best womanly act, I’ve never taken that long to eat a bowl of soup while the other two ate their meals. The staff where very nice…””ready to order ladies?”, “how is everything ladies?”, “desert for you ladies?” When it can time to leave, we had to walk right past a large family seated in the middle of the diner next to the exit. Elizabeth was last out and said nobody took a second look at us, nobody noticed or cared! Another first.
A few weeks earlier I had worried that I may loose this opportunity as my wife had discussed sending #4 with someone else. So, as a back-up plan I had thought I might use the upcoming annual boys fishing trip as an alternate. Well I didn’t need it for that, but after ensuring it would be okay with the boys, I did pack an “alternate” bag along with all the regular fishing gear and guy clothes.
We had reserved a cabin for two nights, Saturday and Sunday, which would give us the better part of three days. At check-in I was told that we would be the only guests around Sunday night and Monday (other than the on-site cleaning staff) and we could use the canoe and cabin for as long as we needed on Monday! Saturday and Sunday morning where spent doing guy stuff, fishing, canoeing, more fishing, but come Sunday afternoon, presto-chango! I was able to do many enfem first time things; canoe, go for a hike on the woodland trails, fishing (no lady luck) and a spot of tennis. I thank my boys for allowing me this awesome opportunity, #3 even took some of the pictures.
In the past month, I’ve had the chance to meet another local CD! They had actually found me out through my blog. They wish to remain anonymous, but as we all know, just to be able to talk to another is such a great relief. We sat in a local park enjoying the beautiful weather and a coffee and chatted for almost two hours. A couple of guys talking work, families, etc, along with issues associated with being a CD’er. It is actually because of this new friendship I am about to take another first step, I will be talking to my base doctor for a referral to the counselor (to discuss “things”) that this new friend also visits.
I’m also going to try and remain clean shaven all year. I’ve already been out in shorts in guy mode to the store, chaired a meeting, hung around the house and nobody has said anything…even my wife has been silent. I just love the feeling and can’t imagine having hairy arms or legs ever again.
I’m at that point in my life (both age and mindset) where I say “who gives a damn what other people think” and as our Prime Minister has said “It’s 2016!”
Well ok, not quite with Jessica per say, but her male side.
I’ve chatted with Jessica many times online, but despite living only a couple kilometres apart, it’s been a tough task to arrange a meet up. Unable to dress enfem, we arranged to meet as a couple of guys at a coffee shop one town down the road. We grabbed our coffee, sat down and chatted. Now I’ve met guy mode Jessica once before, very very briefly and even worked in the same building a number of years back, but this was the first time we’ve ever talked. What I found really interesting about this meeting was, that for over half an hour we talked about many things; family, health, jobs, winemaking….a bunch of guy stuff, and found we had a far bit in common. But not a single word about our “interesting” activity until we were standing in the parking lot next to our cars and then that only lasted about 5 minutes. It reinforced the idea that we are really just regular guys! Just that, among other things, we have this unique interest in women’s clothes.
Jessica’s is very much in the closet but is able to dress when his wife is out of town on business. I don’t know if we will ever be able to co-ordinate a girls get-together, but there is always hope.
In the meantime I managed to dress for a couple of hours mid-November. December has so far been very busy and I don’t anticipate any girl time until January.
As it’s the beginning of the holiday season, I’ll take this opportunity to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Well if you have been here in the last couple of weeks, you may have noticed a discrepancy between what I had posted, ie. not getting a chance to dress in awhile, and the adjacent Flickr pics. This post will correct that.
I did actually find a few hours on the 27th of October to break-out some fem clothing and enjoy the feeling of a cool breeze over freshly shaven legs…sure felt good. Well, that`s it!
Well, ok, so I did change into a couple of outfits and take some pictures, but nothing earth shattering or very interesting happened….maybe next time.
Well hello everyone. Yes I know it’s been a while, so I thought I’d post something to let you know I’m well, though I’ve been in one of those “down time” periods. That is to say, I haven’t done any dressing, haven’t talk about it, not even looked much at any of my online pages. Generally, just haven’t had any interest in crossdressing whatsoever. So, that pretty much answers my question I asked myself at the beginning of the year, if I would dress more now that I am home and not working overseas….nope!
All that is starting to change as the seasons change. There is though one thing I have been able to continue to do all summer, that is keep my arms hair free, felt good and nobody has ever questioned it and my leg hair I kept trimmed. Again nothing said, not even from my wife.
And then there was today Sunday 4th Oct. My wife and the three oldest kids are spending the night over on the South Shore of Nova Scotia to celebrate her dad’s 75th birthday while he visits from Ottawa. I had to stay home as my youngest has a dance rehearsal late into the evening, but we will join the rest of the family first thing in the morning. That gave me a chance during the afternoon to practice some make-up application and quickly dress casually, leggings and low cut t-shirt. I then asked my daughter, who had only seen a couple of pics on my phone, if it would be ok for me to show her how I looked. She liked my look, wasn’t repulsed, said I could pass and that was it. I did say “I suppose I should go change before we go out to grab supper and take you to dance?” She just snorted and went back to her iPod. Of course I secretly wanted to do all that enfemme, but I knew my make-up wasn’t perfect and also I wouldn’t thrust something like that on her without first having discussed and planned on something like that.
One final though for this post; I’ve noticed a significant increase in the number of positive “news” items covering everything from crossdresser to trans women. Even this evening, while I type this blog as I wait in the van for my daughter, listening to CBC radio, there is a program on about a successful business man who’s alter ego happens to be a rock and roll drag queen.
I’m still hopeful I’ll be able to get out to any sort of get together, sometime. That’s it for now folks.
I’m still hopeful I’ll be able to get out to any sort of get together, sometime.
Over the last few months, I have been jogging along, head in the clouds, immersed in my own thoughts, only to have run headlong into an obstacle I should have seen coming.
This has forced me to STOP, take a few steps backward to look at what is in my way and also to reflect on what I was doing, where I was going and how I was getting there.
Now I could just ignore the fact there is an obstruction and run straight through it, but this action would cause certain harm to both myself and others. Best to study the problem and figure out a less drastic course of action on how to overcome this blockade. Maybe talk to others on how to maneuver around or through this “mine field”, or even co-operate with others to figure out the solution.
Once around this difficult section of the path, I will slow down. I have not been observant of what has been going on around me or even considered the destination I was running to. With a slower pace, it will be easier to stop and smell the roses along the way, being careful not to be too hasty and grab the stem for fear of being pricked and hurt. It will also allow time to consider options when approaching a fork in the road; no snap decision to be made. Look down the different paths to see what you might see. Oh, there will be some regrets after taking one route over the other, but there will always be something to see or do, no matter which path one decides to follow.
For me personally, I don’t really have a definitive destination, I would rather just enjoy the journey, but have to work at making it as smoother ride as possible.
has descended and obscured the bright rays of sun that were my new found understanding of self, what I am and what role crossdressing plays in my life.
It came about when I asked my wife if I could attend this months cd/tv club meeting in the city. Though she had said yes (reluctantly I guess) two months ago but weather stopped that from happening, this time it set of a bunch of fireworks. The first thing she said was “I suppose I can’t stop you” and then she brought up the issue of me having told the kids without having talked to her about it (some of you may know the story). I have apologized for this and know it is wrong, but I don’t think she will ever forgive me for it. I apologized again.
She did say that there is nothing wrong in principal with crossdressing , at home, with nobody around. However, some of the other things she did mention:
-That I’m only thinking of myself,
-that I didn’t consider how the kids would react and what domino effects might have on their mental well-being and that it may have played a role in #3s current issues (he is seeing a councillor for anxiety and dark thoughts, including cutting). What would have happened if one of them had told a friend and they had spread that around school (they have all said they wouldn’t do such a thing), to which my wife said “well of course they would say that”,
-that I’m putting myself ahead of others,
-that I obviously don’t respect women, ( but I do, but I can’t argue this point with her) because of the way I dress; high heels (2” max) and lots of makeup (kind of required as a guy trying to look like a woman) and that I start doing what I would consider “woman’s work” around the house (I find that strange as I will regularly clean the cats boxes, clean the bathrooms, vacuum, hand wash dishes in guy mode),
-what would happen and how would the kids feel if something happened to me if I was out in public, like something happening in the women’s restroom and it made the news (use of the washroom for the gender being expressed is actually protected under provincial legislation).
I guess I have to become a Jedi and think only of others and nothing of myself.
Only #3 was at home during this conversation and he was in his room, headphones on, listening to music. My wife thought that maybe the kids didn’t know that she know. I had told them not to talk about “it”, and this upset her in that the kids hadn’t said anything to her, to which I pointed out that this was a good thing, but she said we all should have talked about it together. When I offered to call a family meeting, it was outright rejected…this wasn’t the time to talk about it because #3 was at home…and especially that this was not a good time considering the tough time he was having.
I thought that maybe she of all people would understand how important it is for someone’s mental being to be able to talk about a situation. I said that if I can’t meet with likeminded people, maybe I should go see a professional, to which she said “maybe you should if that’s the way you are thinking”.
All of the advancements I have made, all the feelings of joy I have recently experience, have all been replace with a heavy heart and a massive amount of guilt. I don’t know how to express my feeling to her or how to explain things to her anymore for fear of outright rejection. The last thing I want to do is hurt my kids (again, they have all told me it is no big deal to them that I’m a crossdresser) or my dear wife.
I fear my crossdressing will now be severely curtailed. I don’t know how I will handle this mentally. I don’t know how I will be able to put the genie back in the bottle.