I’m a transgender woman, visible but for one aspect of my life.

Tomorrow is Transgender Day Of Visibility. This year is even more important than past years to show people we are just regular folks, not really any different than they are. We are your friends, coworkers, sports colleges, and importantly members of your family.

For those regular readers, you have seen the changes to my life and growing understanding of who I am. I now say I’m a transgender woman with a bigender aspect. I work exclusively as Michelle, go shopping or run errands during the day as Michelle. Participate in sports and other work activities with no thought as to my expression; I’m just me.

As a Positive Space Program facilitator, one of the subject covered is support and acceptance for someone who is revealing their authentic self. And the fact that it doesn’t matter if all those around an individual are 100 percent accepting, sometimes the biggest barrier to total acceptance is self acceptance. I teach this stuff for crying out loud and yet I find myself still struggling with this obstacle.

You would think I have accepted who I am…I have sort of, mostly. I’ve been on low dose GAHT for just over six weeks, noticed (somewhat surprisingly) many changes already. My estradiol is right in the middle of expected values and my testosterone is almost nonexistent. And I feel great!

The part I’m still struggling with is being my authentic self in front of my wife.

Years ago, after my last letter writing adventure, she stated (without going back to look it up) something like “that she didn’t have an issue with it par say, but that it was me who had to deal with it”. That was more around the time I labeled myself as gender fluid. I’m now so much further down the spectrum and I really don’t know what she’s thinking. Again, she MUST be aware of my exploits, but I still respect her wish from years ago, to not express this side of me in front of her. But things are going to get noticeable in the coming months.

I think part of the issue to full self acceptance is getting past the feeling of being a failure; failing as a husband, failing as a father, failing as a man, because I’m transitioning. Whether true of not, this is my biggest hurdle. Friends, colleagues, my kids and extended family all accept who I am. But I don’t want to let my wife down. I just wish I could say the hard part out loud. In the meantime, I will continue to live this double life, normalizing small changes as they happen, continue to be the best person (including husband, father) I can be.

I’ll be re-engaging my specialist so I can talk me through this. I so enjoy being me, who just happens to be a late bloomer, transgender woman, and there’s no way I can deny that.

Be visible, be proud! 🏳️‍⚧️

Michelle (she/her)

• Posted in: The Early Years