Dressing for the Victoria Day Long weekend

WOW! Well, where to start. So many thoughts spinning around in my head. It will take a bit to come down from this weekend’s high. Well, let’s get this post started….

I had hoped to report on my experiences attending a cd/tv meeting, but due to a conflicting family activity, I was unable to attend the one April. Instead I listened to my youngest daughter sing with her chore at a local competition. She knew I had planned on attending the meeting and afterwards had told me it was too bad I had had to miss it, because they only got a silver award (they have always received gold in the past) and that they hadn’t sung very well and I could have missed it, for what it was worth.

The BIG news I have, is that I have made contact and have met with another local CD’er!

It all started with some posts and messaging back and forth on Crossdressers.com, with the wife (Elizabeth) of this

Cd’er (Rachael) who was looking for advice for her husband and wondering if there were any other wives or Cd’ers in the Maritimes.  There where then a series of emails and eventually a meeting was arranged.

This past weekend was the Victoria Day long weekend here in Canada. My weekend actually lasted Thu May 14 to Sun May 18 2015. My youngest daughter had a dance competition in a city 4 hrs away. My wife, eldest daughter and boyfriend, and the dancer herself, would be gone for 5 whole days.  Elizabeth and I eventually agreed to meet late morning on Thursday at a local park that provided some safety in that it is public, but also offers some privacy at picnic tables so we could talk. The gang left early, soon after I had dropped #3 at the barn to go to a horse show, and #2 departed for school soon after. I did my best “dress to blend” by wearing black leggings, runners and borrowed my eldest daughters Bench jacket.  I had thought I may be nervous, but I actually was feeling quit confident, to a degree. Well, we hit it off fantastically. It was a beautiful sunny day and I was having a blast being dresses out in public. I had brought with me some bags of used clothing to be dropped off at a local Salvation Army, and at Elizabeth’s insistence, (I was thinking of backing out) on the way home I stopped by the store and went in with the bags and left them at the back room (as I have done may times in guy mode). The store was not very busy, but nobody said or paid any attention to me….yes, felt very happy.

Now that the kids know, (and I have talked with them quite a bit, I even told them about the planned meeting with Elizabeth) and the opportunity was there, I decided I was going to stay dressed as long as possible, even with the two boys at home.

With the exception of a couple of “guy breaks” Thursday night to Friday morning (had to pick-up #3 when he got back to the barn and take him back early the next morning for day two), Saturday morning for some shopping and late Sunday to go for ice cream with the boys and pick-up something at Elizabeth’s and Rachael’s place, I spent the remaining time dressed enfem. The boys had no problem seeing me displaying this side of me. There was no change in their attitude or how they talked to me, I was still the same person, just presenting differently.

I worked around the yard all day Friday as Michelle and actually ended up with some redness (not sunburn though) on my legs all the way up to places that don’t normally see the sun as I was wearing a pair of short shorts. It was also during this time, that Elizabeth and Rachael where able to come visit me Saturday evening (again I made sure this was ok with the boys before planning such an event, they just went about their own business). This was the first time I got to meet Rachael and again, we had a great time. Talked a lot about pretty much everything, not just about crossdressing. I have no idea how long we talked, but we had to move inside as as the sun got low, the temperature started to drop and the bugs came out. The interesting thing is that we have some similar interests outside of the cd’ing thing. Hey, wouldn’t you know it, we are just average people…lol.

Some of the other activates I managed to do enfem during these fantastic four days was; taking a dip in the pool, biking in the driveway, mowed some of the lawn, and of course, took lots and lots of pictures, many of which are, or will be, posted on my flickr page.

Monday, despite being Victoria Day and the last day without the gang, I did not dress as there was just too much work to get done. Also, after having had 4 close shaves, 4 days in a row, I thought my face needed a break, though I was very surprised that it had not rebelled anytime during the weekend.

I came out of this weekend with a number of mixed feelings and yet more questions that I believe only I can answer (any input greatly appreciated). I noticed that the longer I was dressed, the more at ease I was. The typical thrill that I used to experience involved a degree of “physical” arousal. That has changed. It is more of a total body experience or feeling. I know others have mentioned the loss of arousal (possibly due to age or …?), but I found by day 4, I was very comfortable being fully dressed and fully engrossed in “crossplaying” the role of a woman. As you may know, when I dress, I have to be as womanly as possible, that includes tucking and padding. I was feeling very good about not have certain parts visible. I felt different, comfortable even when I sat, walked, lay down. It felt nice to not have “it” in the way. That being said, I still very much enjoy being a guy, just that, I also enjoy appearing as a woman from time to time. I know something has changed in my thinking and/or perception of myself. I just can’t put my finger on it. Not yet.

And for those wondering…no, I haven’t told my wife about meeting Elizabeth or Rachael….gasp….I know, I know, that’s not good of me. I should have learned my lesson from the last incident.

In the meantime, I’m again hoping to get to this month’s club meeting…..hopefully.

Sorry if I got rambling a bit, I just let it flow out of me.

Stay tuned folks.

M.

M.

O spring, spring, wherefore art thou spring?

That is what us snow weary Maritimers are wondering. (Canadian Maritimes consists of the provinces of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island, end geography lesson). In my part of Nova Scotia, we have received over 400cm of snow this winter, and now, Easter weekend we are expecting another  5cm or more!! Most of the snow is usually gone by now….not this year. L

So enough of the gloominess, on to better things.

At the beginning of March, with some spending money in my pocket and some spare time to kill on Friday th 6th, I walked into Payless shoes in New Minus and bought myself some new heels. I had previously been there the week before at the same time and saw that it was very quiet at that time of the early evening. When I entered I noted the two female employees and that I was the only customer. One lady asked if she could help and I replied “just looking”. About two or three minutes later, as I was standing looking at women’s shoes, she asked again if there was any particular size I was looking for….and I just went for it. “Hope not to freak you out or anything, but I’m looking for me. It’s been a long time since I’ve bought heals and I don’t know my size exactly, I have worn 9, 9 ½, 9 wide….” And without hesitation she says, “well, it all depends on the brand. Are you looking for round or pointed toe?”  She was exceptionally nice, very helpful and I got what I was looking for. Tried on a couple of different sizes….yes, I’m in drab…lol, must have looked a bit strange. I said “you probably don’t have many guys buying shoes for themselves…haha” and she say “well there is this one guy we are pretty sure is, strange that his wife has exactly the same size feet as him and he’s never brought anything back, lol”. At the sales counter she said if there were any problems with them I could return them at any time and that they may stretch some. After having worn them at thome for about an hour and a half, I realized they were indeed a bit too big (size 10), and went back to the store the following week and exchanged them for a 9 ½. Different sales girl, very quick and simple exchange. All in all, a great place to shop, great experience.

On the 10th of March opportunity presented itself to dress, so I took it. It was during the obligatory photo shoot that I decided to try taking a video and practice my speaking. Originally I intended this to be only for myself, but eventually decided that I would post it on my flickr page. My very first video!

A small breakthrough of sorts

Well, on the 20th, I talked to my wife and got the OK to attend this month local (relatively speaking) CD/TV club meeting on the 25th in the city. It was a bit awkward. I asked her what she thought the chances where of me being able to get together with some like minded individuals. She asked where and wanted to know why this was coming up now. I told her it’s been with me for years but only now can I act on these……feelings, thoughts (urges even?). I can’t really explain them or know what to call them. I had mixed feelings then….excited but also apprehension as to how she is taking this. She was silent for a bit and then said “do whatever”, which we all know can mean a number of things. She didn’t ask how I would be dressed or when I would be leaving the house, I’d planned to just roll with that when the day came. I had already told the kids they may have to remain on their rooms while I get ready and depart, as I didn’t think their mom would want them to see me. The kids, by the way, are ok with this.

However, Mother Nature had other plans and us poor Nova Scotians got dumped on again! Second storm in three days, on top of the multitude of Nor’easter we have endured this winter, so no trip into the city. The next one is now scheduled for the 28th. I will, in the next couple of weeks, be asking again, as I don’t just want to do something that might really upset her.

Wow, another chance to dress

This time, after having watch my daughter dance at a local dance competition, I found myself alone at home on the 28th. The boys where out at their girlfriends houses and my wife and dancing daughter still in the city at the competition. I came across some dance outfits from the previous year and just had to try them on. These things are stretchy and my daughter is now only a few inches shorter than me….love the look and fit

A surprise

On the morning of the 29th, I stepped on the bathroom scales and could hardly believe what I saw…..149.8 lbs! First time I’ve weighed less than 150 in over a dozen years (historically been 160 to 165). Sorry if I offend anybody with this next statement, but I am not on any weight loss diet and hardly exercise. This was mostly due to eating less now that I’m home and not eating three hot prepared meals a day (when I was working overseas). What other way to celebrate than to dress and take some pictures of course! However, due to time constraints, I did a few things I don’t normally do, ie.  no make-up, no wig and just took selfies in the mirror

And yet again

For April First, I dressed again. This time, after breakfast, I just went upstairs, applied make-up (I’d shaved  earlier),  dressed and came down for coffee with my wife. I had on an old summer dress, dug out of the back of the closet and said to her “this makes me look like I should be going to a womens church group meeting”, to which she replied, “yes, but why would you even want to wear that old thing, it has to go”. I went and changed into something a bit more casual to do a fer chores and she didn’t say much at all reference the way I was dresses (another small breakthrough maybe, plus I didn’t feel so awkward in front to her). I also did some exercise consisting of stretches and abdominal work.

I don’t know when the next dressing opportunity will be but wow, what an awesome few weeks I had.

‘Til next time.

M.

It’s been awhile

Nothing earth shattering this entry, sorry folks.

My return home, Christmas and New Years have passed.

I have started to work on the “to do” list while I have this spare time on my hands. That and the many family activities over the holidays along with no real desire to crossdress, had kept my girl clothes in the closet/box…. until recently.

As I said last time, my wife had stated that I didn’t need to ask when I wanted to dress. So I put that to the test last week.

After all the kids where off to school and breakfast cleaned up, I disappeared into the bathroom and “got ready”. My wife may have suspected something as I was gone for an extended time, plus the water running while I shaved. When I can down stair, before she saw me I did state “I’ve dressed casual for the day, hope you don’t mind?” I came around the corner and she just gave me a casual glance and went about her business.

I did a number of my own tasks around the house before returning upstairs and going through my closet to find out what still fit me and what needed to go. To my surprise, since returning home I have lost weight and inches around my waist (not faced with three steam line meals a day and desert…lol). Clothes fit much better! I partook in the obligatory photo shoot to update my album, but there was a slight camera malfunction so only some turned out well enough to post over on my flickr page.

I did ask my wife which looked better, the long blond or the shorter brunette wig. I stated that I thought the blond made me look older and she agreed. It may not look it in photos, but in person or the mirror, it really does, so I’ll be sticking with the darker hair.

M.

The Past and The Future: Reflections on a job finished and questions for my CD’ing future

With the pending third anniversary of my blog (I can’t believe how fast the last year has gone by), I find myself overcome with mixed emotions.  None of them having to do with crossdressing. Instead, they deal with the fact that within hours of this posting, I will be departing the location that has been my place of employment since July 2009. It will be such a relief to be home and not have to travel back and forth four or five times a year. It will be even nicer to be home with the family for Christmas this year! But at the same time, I will find myself looking for a new job, though I plan on having some down time before working again (something my wife insists I do).

I am the last of my company to remain. I spent a good part of today walking around the area and reminiscing, oh how things have changed since I first stepped foot here back on 02 July 2009.

I know for a fact, that what we (the company and all my co-workers) have done, the services we have provided to a couple of coalition countries over the years, has indeed saved lives. For this I am thankful. However, with billions of dollars spend on this “action” and the many lives lost both coalition and local civilian, I am left with a hollow feeling and a question. Has it been worth it? I reserve judgment and believe only time will tell.

Now that the heavy thoughts have been dispensed with, back to something lighter.

As I have said in the past, this job has offered me the opportunity of spare time in which I have been able to explore the internet, read and write about crossdressing and have come to understand what role it plays in my life. As I have been away from home for 2/3 of the year, opportunity to dress has been limited. Now, as I return home, I face a new situation. Time on my hands. Will I want or need to dress more often? How will the revelation that I told the kids about my crossdressing (see previous post) effect the opportunities? I know that I wouldn’t be spending nearly as must time online as I have these past years, but I still hope to be able to add something once in a while.

I will now take this opportunity to wish everybody a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Michelle

I talked to the kids

The following is a compilation of something I posted elsewhere on the web, but thought I’d still include it on my blog for records sake.

With reference to my latest self-revelation and new found acceptance that I am a crossdresser and therefore indeed transgender, I had decided it was time to have a talk to the family.

Having recently returned home for some time off from my overseas employment, and with my pending birthday approaching, I decided the time was right to talk to my four kids (18 girl, 17 boy, 14 boy, 13 girl) individually. I still have to talk to my wife as I really don’t know she feels anymore about my hobby. I had a very similar talk with all four kids allowing them to ask any questions they had. Anyway, #2 was the first I approached while driving around town. Background info, #1 and #2 had accidently found out about Michelle about 6 years ago, when my wife and #’s 3 and 4 where out of town, they had had a movie night and I thought they were asleep. I was about 130am and they “found me”.

#2 remembered the incident but had no problem with it, thought the pics I showed him looked good. Next was #3, then #1 and finally #4. I knew my youngest would not have a problem as for the last few years she has had a male dance instructor who just happens to be gay, so she has had some exposure to those with a slightly different take on life.

The biggest surprise response I got from the conversations was from both #3 and 4, “you have a blog?!” That apparently was a bigger surprise to them than the fact I liked to wear women’s clothes..lol.

#1 had sat listening intently, eventually revealing at the end of my speech, after I asked her if she had any questions, she says “I actually have a friend (at university) who is transgender (MtF). Wow! I was surprised and happy for my daughter, the fact she has the opportunity to have such a diverse group of friends.

All four have seen a few pic of me dressed that I had on my iPod. All of them had no apparent problem with it. “To each their own” was the general consensus. I feel so much better not having to hide this part of me from them. No more worries of one of them accidentally finding something of “mine”. They don’t think any less of me as a dad or a man. I love them as much as they love me. I guess my wife and I must have raised them correctly. Now for that talk with my wife…….

And now, the rest of the story.

So shortly after having posted “I talked to the kids”, I experienced an emotional crash, coming down off that personal “high” of self-acceptance. I began to doubt weather I had done the right thing, even before reading the dire warnings from others that I was probably wrong not to have talked to my wife first. Oh how right they were.

It had been a little over a week since I had talked with the last of the kids and I really wanted to dress before heading back overseas. I asked my wife if it was ok and her response was “you know you don’t have to ask”, to which I responded that I felt I should and that I still felt somewhat embarrassed to do it in front of her. I also said that I wanted to talk to her about my dressing and she responded “these nothing really to talk about”.

I got dressed in a grey skirt and burgundy/black jacket and sat down at the kitchen table, again stating I wanted to talk to her.  With reference to the being embarrassed in front of her, my wife stated something along the lines that that was something I had to come to terms with and accept and that she didn’t really get the whole dressing as a woman thing, but whatever. This led directly into me telling her that over the last three years, during my spare time overseas, I had done a lot of reading online about crossdressers and crossdressing and that I had established a presence on the web, even writing a blog and that I had come to understand myself better. But not to worry, nothing had actually changed with me (with this she agreed).  All this time or course, the fact I had told the kids without first discussing it with her, was gnawing away inside me. I just had to let it spill out “the kids know”. “What! They don’t? Do they?”, “Yes”, “without talking to me about it? I thought we had an understanding we would not tell them, at least not yet?!” I felt absolutely horrible. I had betrayed her trust. Her fear was that we shouldn’t burden them with such a “secret”, that the youngest might let something slip, how would the boys take it. I told her all four kids where understanding and related their responses to my talk with them. I felt like crap. I retreated to the bathroom, undressed, showered and cried.

I didn’t come back downstairs for almost 45 mins. My wife was still pissed but said that she had expected something like this to eventually happen, just not now, not yet. I apologized profusely and told her I was wrong to have done it. I asked her if she wanted to talk to the kids, no she did not (but over the next couple of days I did reaffirm with them, their feelings and the sensitivity of the subject and that it wasn’t something we normally talk about with others, that their mother know and had been very pissed off with me).

The frost hung heavy in the house that day, but a thaw had occurred by the next morning and what is done, is done.

Lesson learned and hopefully passed on to anyone else in this situation.

The next time I dress (probably January now), I’ll still say something like “I’m off to get changed”, just to give her a heads-up and see how that goes.

An admission and a rethink on labels

A rapid update to my last post.

Ok, ok already. Enough!

As I said in my last post, I thought I had things straight in my head. Well not so quick there boy-oh.

As I read new posts on varying threads over the last number of days, I have found myself going back and forth on a number of issues. I found myself agreeing with one writer, and then agreeing with the next writer who had a slightly different take on the subject. Then agreeing with yet another who saw things differently. Why was I being so indecisive? I obviously still possessed some internal strife, and even though I have written twice before that I thought I had found myself in a nice cosy self-understanding, that is obviously not the case.

Admission to self

*(I know there is no such thing as normal, but you know what I mean)

“I’m just a normal guy who…”

Well, after a lot of thinking and talking to myself while on the treadmill, I now have to admit, I am not a normal guy. I have to acknowledge and affirm that I am transgender.  When one has thoughts like “that’s a nice dress. Wonder how I would look in it?” that’s not a “normal guy” thought. When I want to rid my body of hair so I can wear a sleeveless dress and enjoy the feel of pantyhose of bare skin…that’s not what a “normal guy” would do. I LOVE beer, chips and chocolate, “normal guy” stuff. But when thoughts like, “I need to pass on that delectable looking chocolate cheese cake because I don’t want to ruin all the work I have done to trim down to look good in that new skirt and blouse”, that’s not a “normal guy” thought. Would a “normal” guy push his chest muscles/flesh together to see what kind of cleavage could be achieved or when the office is empty, pull out a nail file and take care of a slight chipped nail so that they will look good next time nail polish is applied to them? I don’t think so.

I have previously stated, there is “no girl trying to get out” or a “second self”, but then, why do I have these “girly” thoughts. And why, when I dress, do I have this need to portray a womanly image? There is obviously a small portion of my brain that is “female”. Any of these thoughts or activities put my firmly in the transgender category. And because I sometimes dress in the clothing commonly associated with the opposite sex, I am indeed a crossdresser.

Labels. I’m a ______.

No one should feel pressured to label themselves and nobody should force a label onto those who don’t want one, but labels may not be all bad.

So I’ve come full circle and have re-applied labels to myself and I now believe that labels are quite useful. They let those with whom you are conversing know from what objective point you are talking. Obviously though, we have many different labels that we apply to ourselves every day, depending on our surroundings. If I’m at work, the label I am tagged with is “Site Manager”. When with a group of aviation personnel, the label is “Pilot”. If I wandered through a mall and came across a display from a local Model Railroad club, I would tag myself as a “model railroader”. So obviously, in this forum, I bear the labels Transgender /Crossdresser.

Summery

I will stick with the attitude that I will not waste energy or time in search of an answer as to why I do what I do.

Even though for a long time I have identified myself as being a heterosexual crossdresser and as such, belong under the umbrella term of transgender, I have obviously been scared to admit that I am also actually transgender. It still feels a bit strange to type that and re-read it, but it does feel like a weight has been listed off my chest.

Let’s see how long it takes before I change my mind…again…lol.

Michelle.

October 2014: An update.

Well folks, sorry it’s been a while since I last posted anything, I’ve been busy with life in general. Family time during the summer, unexpected extension to overseas employment and generally, not too much interest in things involving crossdressing. That is until a couple of days ago.

I got caught up following and contributing to a couple of threads on Crossdressers.com. One in particular got me re-thinking a number of issues that I have previously blogged about. I don’t intend on going back and editing any of my older posts, as they show how I’ve change my understanding of the issues and of myself. So please bare that in mind if you are reading this first.

After some 50 posts in response to a thread “Not trans? Huh? I don’t get it” this was my contribution…

I have never follow a whole thread before, but this one has me intrigued. And, as others have said, just when I thought I had things figured out….. I am though taking a number of points away from this discussion.

Firstly, I will endeavor not to use the term trans or trans*. It will be the full word so as not to leave any question as to what I am talking about. Secondly, why do we need to use labels? Is it something we do for ourselves or for others in an attempt to answer the question “why do we do what we do”? A justification?

I agree with Jennifer and Tinkerbell on the majority of what they have said. When I have the opportunity to dress, I am still a male through and through, I’m still a husband, a dad. There is no girl trying to get out, but for whatever reason, I sometimes want to portray a woman and be seen as one. I have taken a page from Isha’s book and will not waist time anymore seeking the answer to “why?”.

If someone were to ask me again if I considered myself “trans or trans*”, I would now say “I’m just an average guy (well, maybe not that average) who, every once in a while, just happens to enjoy dressing and (hopefully) passing as a woman. As such, that makes me a crossdresser. Crossdressing happens to be just one of many aspects of the transgender spectrum, which in its self, is contained within the LGBT community.”  Not exactly an answer to a simple question, but rather a long winded statement (but a concise one) to describe this small part of my being.

Well, up until now I’ve really only been a lurker, I mean a reader of these threads, but for some reason, I now feel I have to contribute. Maybe just another point in my maturing,

As I said, I am going to try and not use short forms of words or even abbreviations for clarity of understanding. I will no longer pursue an answer as to why I crossdress. As I’ve stated in a recent post, I am me, this is just part on me, and I’ll enjoy that part of me when I can. No questions asked. To miss-quote a small green alien from a galaxy far far away “Do or do not. There is no why”.

So, heading home for a few weeks off in November and then I’ll be back home just before Christmas after shutting down operations and joining the mass exodus from this….place. I may be unemployed, but at least I’ll be home.

Thanks for stopping by.

Michelle.

Trans vs Trans*

Preamble

After a recent post on my “Michelle” Facebook page, in which I included a picture of my homemade wrist band

IMG_0731plus in the colours of the Canadian Transgender flag (my little way of showing my support to the community), I was asked by a FB friend if I considered myself trans.

Well, this was a fairly timely question as I had been thinking recently about the term transgender and how it is being used.

Over the last number of months I have continued to search for local resources that could be of assistance to crossdressers (and their spouces/families) in Nova Scotia. What I have found is that groups often offer services and help to, or are championing the cause of the “trans community”.

There are not that many organizations or groups on the Canadian east coast, but I do know of one, NSRAP, who have indeed done wonders for the promotion of equality.

Now I may be being a bit oversensitive here, but when I read through all the great things that have been accomplished over the years or the help programmes that are offered, I don’t get the feeling that there is anything that I, as a hetero crossdresser, could find useful. This saddens me, but again, rightly or wrongly, my perception is that crossdressers are not really part of this group, part of the “trans community”. This could actually be of our (cd’ers) own making, as, unlike those who have been brave enough and have been able to express themselves openly, becoming visible to the greater masses and have become far more accepted in the public realm, crossdressers and crossdressing are/is still very much frowned upon by society and for the most part still hidden in the proverbial closet.

 Terms; use and interpretation of.

Now, getting back to the question of “if I consider myself trans”.

I had briefly touch upon the subject of cd’ers belonging under the umbrella term transgender back in November 2012, but at that time had not considered the shortened form, trans.

Although the term transgender is supposed to be an all-inclusive term (the wiki site has a good page on the definition), there is still a vast majority of people who are not familiar with all the differing categories and terms fall under the term transgender. Maybe over time and with some education things will change. But in the meantime, I fear that, thanks to mass media and the internet, transgender, is becoming synonymous or confused with transsexual. Think for a moment of any media coverage from The View to some trashy tabloid, the “news” item (I use the term news loosely these days) is more often than not dealing with transsexual issues. So too, the term trans, I feared was being hijacked and used incorrectly.

Then while searching the internet for other peoples take on the word trans, I came across a great post on the website “It’s pronounced Metrosexual”.

Although it is a post from mid 2012, I had never before seen any reference to the use of the * asterisk. I think it is a great way to reclaim the inclusivity of the word transgender in its shortened form. If you haven’t clicked the link and read the post yet, in a nutshell ”trans is best applied to trans men and trans women, while trans* makes special note in an effort to include all non-cisgender gender identities, including transgender, transsexual, transvestite, genderqueer,” etc. Now, we just need to get the rest of the world to use these two words correctly

So, no, I don’t consider myself Trans. I consider myself Trans*.

Here is also the link to an excellent comprehensive list of terms and definitions and a beautiful simple diagram “The Gingerbread Person” that I would hope anybody could understand.

M.

 

I am Me

I have just recently read an older post by Jess that made me stop and think. It was entitled “Not Him and Not Her, Just Me”. Have a read if you haven’t already.

After reading the post, I re-read all my posts and found I was following a similar pattern as so many other crossdressers, referring to myself as Michelle for the times when I’m dressed, thereby separating that part of me from my male self. But, I have to agree with Jess, I don’t really have “him and her” selves residing in the same body.

When I transform myself from the look of an everyday guy to that of a woman, it is all exterior decorating. Change the hair, change the face with makeup, change the texture of the skin by shaving and change the overall look by donning clothes that a woman would wear. My thoughts don’t change, my personal views don’t change, the things I love and hate don’t change. The only reason I would change my mannerisms, again an external manifestation, is so that they match the image I am portraying. My overall intent when I dress is to look like and to emulate a woman to the best of my ability (aka Crossacting see Alexis’ blog). This has always been my goal when dressing from as far back as I can remember.

I have no desire to start watching women’s shows or reading women’s magazines. I don’t have an urge to hang flowery drapes or “gurly up” the furniture or whatever. I believe that despite there being no “girl trying to get out”, I have been following the example of so many others when they write about themselves. I believed that this was the way it must be done. I thought I was following some sort of unwritten rule.

I refer to “Michelle’s things”. No, they are mine. I say things like “let her out of her box”. There’s nobody in there.

Jess’s post also made me think of how I spend my time dressed. Most of my dressing sessions last but for a few hours, normally alone. I don’t talk to anybody, well maybe the dog. I only have time to think of what I want to wear in the next picture and where to take it and “oh, how much time do I have left”. The few times I have been out with a crowed (years ago) I was a guy dressed like a girl and doing a really good job. The other couple of times I was driving or the once out with my wife, I was still me. I reflect back on my last outing, in Jan 2013 and can still remember how I felt. Yep, I was me, out, passing as best as I could as a woman. It wasn’t someone else, some woman called Michelle, it was me. Take a moment and look back over the last few sentences….I, me, my.

I wonder if this is also why I said I felt like an outsider in my March 22 2013 post as so many others who post talk about the “woman inside” etc. And having re-read the part under “Femininus” and can see I was struggling with the “her and me” dilemma. But I didn’t express myself clearly enough. In fact it is only now that I have become enlightened.

I’ll still use the name Michelle as a pen name and for the fact it fits the feminine image I create. My writing wouldn’t;t change either as it has always been me writing this stuff.

I still don’t know why I do what I do (this crazy, enjoyable thing called crossdressing), but with every little discovery, I’m understanding myself more.

I am me!

 

_____________ (insert name here…lol)

Fun times with some disappointments

First off, sorry if the title leads you into believing I’m going to talk about some fun times I had while crossdressed.  After all, that is what the blog is about. Right? Well most of the time it is and I will get around to touching upon the issue. I guess that could be considered the first disappointment in this post.

The month of April saw my last “real” trip home (next trip will be to attend my daughters high school grad, then right back to work to close-up shop). Though it was a week shorter than normal and packed with pre-programmed activities, I saw a couple of opportunities that may allow for some Michelle time. I again had taken care of my nails and they were looking very nice.  Soon after arriving home, I realized that those opportunities had diminished to maybe one chance closer to the end of my visit (disappointment 1). “Oh well” I thought, “continue on with other things”.

The weather finally smartened-up some and allowed me to get outside and do some spring clean-up. While on a wander around my property with my youngest son, we came across some lumber hiding in some long grass. As I picked up the boards to move then to a safer place, I lost my grip on the wet surface…..*&^%! Two of my long fingernails on my right hand where gone and one was just hanging there (2). Oh well…easy come, easy go. As soon as I got back to the house I trimmed the remaining nails.

It’s become a bit of a tradition for my son’s and I to go on a three “boys fishing trip” at this time of year. Last year when we showed up at the cabins, we were told we were about two weeks too late for the big fish. So this year of course we went two weeks earlier…to find out the due to the late spring snow storm, fast melt and run-off along with rain the previous week, the river was swallen. It was over two feet higher than normal, flowing fast and very cold. The fish were not interested in taking our bait. Not a single nibble (3). But we still had fun canoeing the river and lake, hiking through the woods and playing tennis and basketball on a mostly flooded court…lol.

I also had fun expanding what should have been a simple project. My wife had requested some proper steps (3 treads) down from the deck to the grass, but I got a bit carried away. The project quickly expanded to include leveling the ground and laying a 10’x12’ patio (with 2’x2’ unused blocks) a raised fire pit and leveling the ground around that for seating. Not bad for a couple days work.

Also fun was watching my youngest daughter do what she loves the most …… dance! A five day dance competition in which she was involved in 13 dances. Love watching the passion she has for this art, she never holds back.

There was one final chance I may have had to dress, right before departing, but we had to go visit the bank to sort some stuff out (4). Oh well.

As I have stated before, for me, there is more to life and happiness than crossdressing alone. Yes I was somewhat disappointed that I was not able to get Michelle out of her cardboard box, but, as always, I had fun being with the family, doing regular guy stuff, being a dad.

As summer approaches, as does the end of my overseas employment, the next opportunity to dress will more than likely not be until the fall. Again, too much other fun stuff to do in the meantime.

 

A couple of parting thoughts

Crossdressing, both the act and thought there of, still raise conflicting emotions in me. I had set out with the purpose of this blog to see if I could find an answer to the question “why”, but, like so many others, have not been able to find it. Instead, I have come to understand crossdressing and the role it plays in my life.

I still have a twinge of envy as I read other blogs of those who go out on a regular basis, meet-up with others, go to conventions and other fun outings. I don’t know if I will ever get a chance to do any of these. That silly though of “maybe I should stop” pops up once in a while….lol, right, like that’s going to happen. When I get the chance to dress, it just feels so good, so fun and I want to do it more. I’m disappointed that I don’t get to dress due to another activity, but that soon passes as I get involved with something else. I’m envious of those who look feminine and can “pass” (though maybe I shouldn’t be?) I would love to be hair free, but for family reasons, that occurs rarely.

I don’t yet know what the future holds for this blog. I have enjoyed writing my thoughts down and I hope you have enjoyed reading them. Unfortunately, I’m not sure if you have. Despite having over 2700 visitors in the last seven months ( I know mine is just a little blog), I’ve only had one comment (ok, ok, I`m as guilty as many others are of just reading and not commenting on posts). I would love some constructive criticism. If you don`t want to leave something public, drop me a line at michelledeere140@yahoo.com.au

Some of this was just me rambling (sorry), but as promised, I did eventually get around to some crossdressing issues, right?

 

Have fun with your dressing

Michelle