The question still dogging me “which side is stronger?”

I don’t seem to be able to shake it.

Longer hair. Longer fingernails. Earrings. Hair-free body. None of these are considered out of the ordinary for men these day, but for me it’s something different.

It’s been a long time since anyone at work has seen my masculine expression. Arriving at my office it’s like putting on coveralls or something, except I change my expression from M to F. It’s a routine and I’m still very, very comfortable doing so and enjoy this part of me. But as day change to weeks change to months, that question returns, especially since my mind has started to ask some questions I’d never expected I’d ask…”hey, what about some hormones?” Say what!? Nope. Well how about just some herbal supplements? Well maybe. Again…what!? But why? That damn Sirens song wooing me to take the plunge.

Over the years, I’ve seen and read many online friends and others, slowly creep along the change spectrum; crossdresser, gender fluid, trans woman. “That will ever happen to me”…but now I see so many similar patters developing. It can be scary. And through all this I’ve said to myself “I’m comfortable with who I am” at every point that I’ve examined my past and present life.

Yes, I’m male (all bits there), a dad and husband, but wow, ever since I was young there has been an ever present pull from the feminine side. It might be easier if it wasn’t so accepted, if I could express my feminine self at work, but then I wonder how miserable I might have been.

You know what, let’s just keep moving along with life. Who knows how much longer we have. Remain positive, enjoy who you are, your family and friends, and see where the future takes us.

For me I now I have now until my 65th birthday to make a difference in the Canadian Armed Forces as my retirement extension came through!

It’s Sunday evening. Had a great weekend (xM) and looking forward to a busy week at work…as Michelle.


  1. Jocelyn

    Once again, thank you for sharing some of your deep, personal feelings. It takes a very brave and confident person to open up to the world.
    There are times when we have to make plans and make them happen. There are also times when we just have to enjoy the moment and stop trying to analyze things; and stop asking questions.
    Please, have a wonderful time being Michelle. Be the woman that you are, and have a blast. Life is opening up again, so we all can get out and do the things that make us happy.
    Remember to smile. It will brighten up the lives of those around you.

    • Thank you so much for your comments Jocelyn. I certainly will continue to enjoy being ME; at any time. Life is getting shorter with no guarantees, so you’re right, enjoy life! M.

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