CHANGE. Inevitable?

Is it change or is it growth? Or maybe discovery? But then again, maybe it’s finally accepting? Whatever you want to call it, was it inevitable?

Over the years I’ve read many personal blogs. Of those that I connected with the most, I’ve seen many go through various stages of their lives and followed their changing understanding of themselves. Some, even progressing from being a cross dresser to living as a woman. “That will never happen to me” I’ve told myself. Well.

A couple years ago, I finally met a transgender friend I’d known on FB for a few years. While talking about my then personal status, she recited that age old joke (pardon the word usage here) “what’s the difference between a cross dresser and a transsexual?…about 2 years!” Haha, well that’s not me so I don’t need to “worry”.

Gulp! What has happened to me over the last two years? I’m sitting here at work on my lunch break, in uniform (unisex combats), expressing that feminine part of me, averaging 4 out of 5 days, so 80% of the time, at work, attending meetings, training, whatever…I’m comfortable. I have established a routine. Many on my base know the total “me”, some only my male or female “me”.

Looking back over the years, I had only ventured out of the house on a few occasions. 2018 was the year of awakening however; Positive Space training, realization I had to be true to myself, first ever Pride parade in Halifax, getting out more locally with friends for dinners.

The following year there where more opportunities to be out in public. Out to coworkers and Commanding Officers. A chance to get new women’s uniform, and other events to attend. And then last year, the realization that “bigender” (under the transgender umbrella) was the best descriptor for who I am.

Wait! What just happened? When did this change occur? Didn’t I say that something like this wouldn’t happen to me? Was I kidding myself? Was this evolution in my being INEVITABLE?

“Hey, have you heard the joke, what’s the difference between someone who thinks their just a cross dresser and someone who identifies as bigender?…about 3 years!”

8 Comments

  1. Kelly

    Hi Michelle,
    Good to hear more from you. Just last night I was thinking about how much change happened this past year for me, how much farther i had travelled beyond what i had thought possible. It’s inspiring and instructive to hear how unknowable your own path was not so very long ago. We can and do move! And isn’t that wonderful? And hard. Yet so right.
    Thank you for your continuing story and insights. It makes life less difficult, much more hopeful.
    xxx Kelly

    • Thanks for dropping by Kelly.
      Part of your comment hit home “We can and do move! And isn’t that wonderful? And hard. Yet so right.” This pretty much sums it up; it’s wonderful, hard, yet feels so right when we accept this is who we are.
      Stay safe. M.

  2. cowgirlsue

    Hi Michelle, I believe awareness should be the goal of the changes you make in our life. We all find ourselves in the victim box at first and through awareness of reality move out of it into a life we are comfortable with both out in society and in our own bodies.

  3. I have a great deal of admiration for you. Thanks for being such an example of living an honest life and one of service.

  4. Jocelyn Johnson

    Michelle,
    I apologize for not replying sooner. I hadn’t been to your site since your previous post and knowing that you do not post frequently I thought there would be more days between entries. (Although I have sent you a couple of emails over the past two weeks)

    I am so happy, having just read your current thoughts about yourself. You are definitely a fantastic person for your honest realization of who you are, and how you have grown each year.

    I admire you. You are definitely enjoying being Michelle, a wonderful person.

    Thank you for sharing, I love it.

    Jocelyn

  5. Change is something that will always be inevitable. Even if we don’t want to, we are always changing, so the best thing would be to give our changes a direction, a sense, to be able to take advantage of them in the best possible way, don’t you think?

    • Very true Naty and something I’m now working on. Working on a blog post to update where that change is now headed. M.

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