xF, xM and more firsts
xF – my new short way of writing expressing female. Same goes for xM, expressing male. It’s just more efficient or I’m lazy, lol.
So, with the start of a new year, I had decided to see how it would be to xF at work. Of the 30 working days this year, I’ve xF for 28 of them. The 2 days I didn’t was because I just didn’t feel F one day and the other was the last day away on course and I wanted to show my male self. More on xF/xM later.
Some more firsts
I’ve always wanted to skate as a girl. We’ll ever since my teens. I finally got the chance early February. I’ve owned women’s figure skates for years just never got them sharpened, but when I saw that our local base rink has adult skating from 1000-1100 on Tuesday and Thursday I knew I had to try them out. It’s been a couple years since I was last on skates (ice) so took me a while to get comfortable. This was of course the first time ever in figure skates but I knew enough to watch out for the toe picks. There was only two other women on the ice for the hour who too where also not that sure footed. I had a blast! Need to get on again soon.
My annual fitness test was over due, last November in fact, but COVID had halted testing. now that it’s back on and I needed to get it done for Reserve contract requirements. And as I was feeling good about myself and wanting to be visible, I did it while xF. During the hour at the gym, I didn’t notice any strange looks from the 7 guys who where also participating or from the fitness staff. I didn’t give a thought on how I looked, I just did what I had to. One of the guys I did know, but in masks it’s hard to tell. We did chat at the end about the testing and my new position. Nothing else.
Due to being not that active over the last 4 months, my fitness level had dropped and I was a bit slower on 3 of the tasks and significantly slower on one. Oh well, still got to the Bronze level. Not bad for a 59 year old.
“I’m sorry, we don’t cut women’s hair”
That was how I was greeted when I showed up for my 1000 appointment.
“That’s ok, it’s not this hair”, pointing at my wig, “but what’s under it”. Hair dresser “but I hope you understand we can’t wash or styling. You should have let us know you needed more time”. She was still under the assumption I was a woman. “I’m bigender, this is my female expression but it’s my male short hair that needs some clipper attention”. “Oh”. I enter the area, wash my hands, head to the chair and go from short straight blond to my mop of dark and grey. A brief chat on gender identity then moved on to other topics. After #4 clippers on the side and 1/2 inch off the top, I get out of the chair, brush off my sleeves, and put my blond wig back on. What an interesting experience but nothing I had any anxiety about doing.
Oh yeh, I also got my ID renewed with the photo showing me while xF. No other info has changed, so despite some back and forth with the Commissionaires at the ID centre, nothing special was required as this is how I now express for the majority of the time at work. Which leads into…
So, back to that xF and xM thing
I almost lost track of time in the shower the other evening as my mind was wandering around in a bit of a pink fog.
Sometimes I think it would be easier to have a definite end goal, but that’s not me. I’m like one of those dolphin trainers standing on two dolphins (xF, xM), one foot on each. Having to maintain balance as they swim in parallel but no particular place to go. I don’t want to fall and have to hang onto only one or the other, I need both to get me through. These last few weeks have been an eye opener for my feminine expression; almost everyday at work, fitness test, a new ID with female looking picture. I’m not hiding (at work). I’ve got zero inhibitions of doing anything as Michelle. But then I think “am I somehow letting my male side down, at work?” After all, I’ve made it known I’m bigender, so shouldn’t I also be xM at work? The thing is, I xF typically only between the hours of 0800 and 1600, arrive and leave in male form. I xM everyday at home, evenings and weekends, so not letting that part down really. But then I think “I’ve xM all my career, hidden this part of me for all those years. I’ve earned this. I’ve struggle with this. Now I can show this part of me!” I’ve only got a few more years in the CAF and I want to show I’m proud to serve and proud of who I am. So yes, I’ll xF as much as I can and/or want to. I enjoy being ME!
- Posted in: The Early Years