“Which side is stronger?”
That was a question I was asked by a Facebook friend after I had posted about this weeks course attendance; first three days expressing female and the last as male. Here is how the post and responses went.
ORIGINAL POST – So today I only once caught myself walking in the direction of the wrong bathroom…lol. But the rest of the day was just me being my male self…except at the end of lunch when the dining room staff (the mess hall was empty except of me) said “ just leave your tray, we’ll get that” to which I replied “ok, thank you” but in my feminine voice, which I only realized as I started walking out…lol.
FROM FRIEND – Which side is stronger?
ME – I had to think. It really depends on the moment I am in. Right at this moment (male) I’m good with being and expressing male. Yesterday, I wasn’t thinking of my male(ness) at anytime, I was just being me; female. It’s an interesting place/feeling that I never thought I’d be in or feel. I like this balance of expression.
ME AGAIN – Upon further reflection, while on the bus crossing town to my daughter apartment, I got to thinking deeper about this. Expressing male, its as if there is almost always a Siren’s song off in the distance, beckoning me to come over to the other side. While expressing female, there is no equivalent. No thought or anything trying to pull me in a male direction. So…with that in mind, it would appear that indeed, the female has a slightly stronger tug at my expression. Humm 🤔
So…so, so, so. Interesting. I’d never contemplated my expressions that way. I’m surly repeating myself somewhat here, but, I’m still happy being male; a dad, a husband. There is an ever present interest in wanting to express my female self but I don’t pine over not always be able to. And as I mentioned in the response, I’d never considered the fact that I didn’t think of my male self while expressing female, though the fact I was AMAB never disappears completely (reminded every time I have to pee, but I now treat that just as a lady issue I have to take care of).
So some may ask; which expression makes you happier? I can’t put a general quantitative figure on that. Yes, I indeed enjoy my female self and have been told I “seem” happier and more confident. But I don’t lack any self confidence in male expression either. So where does that leave me?
Pretty much where I was at the beginning of this post, contemplating a simple question: which side IS stronger?
- Posted in: The Early Years