“Which side is stronger?”

That was a question I was asked by a Facebook friend after I had posted about this weeks course attendance; first three days expressing female and the last as male. Here is how the post and responses went.

ORIGINAL POST – So today I only once caught myself walking in the direction of the wrong bathroom…lol. But the rest of the day was just me being my male self…except at the end of lunch when the dining room staff (the mess hall was empty except of me) said “ just leave your tray, we’ll get that” to which I replied “ok, thank you” but in my feminine voice, which I only realized as I started walking out…lol.

FROM FRIEND – Which side is stronger?

ME – I had to think. It really depends on the moment I am in. Right at this moment (male) I’m good with being and expressing male. Yesterday, I wasn’t thinking of my male(ness) at anytime, I was just being me; female. It’s an interesting place/feeling that I never thought I’d be in or feel. I like this balance of expression.

ME AGAIN – Upon further reflection, while on the bus crossing town to my daughter apartment, I got to thinking deeper about this. Expressing male, its as if there is almost always a Siren’s song off in the distance, beckoning me to come over to the other side. While expressing female, there is no equivalent. No thought or anything trying to pull me in a male direction. So…with that in mind, it would appear that indeed, the female has a slightly stronger tug at my expression. Humm 🤔

So…so, so, so. Interesting. I’d never contemplated my expressions that way. I’m surly repeating myself somewhat here, but, I’m still happy being male; a dad, a husband. There is an ever present interest in wanting to express my female self but I don’t pine over not always be able to. And as I mentioned in the response, I’d never considered the fact that I didn’t think of my male self while expressing female, though the fact I was AMAB never disappears completely (reminded every time I have to pee, but I now treat that just as a lady issue I have to take care of).

So some may ask; which expression makes you happier? I can’t put a general quantitative figure on that. Yes, I indeed enjoy my female self and have been told I “seem” happier and more confident. But I don’t lack any self confidence in male expression either. So where does that leave me?

Pretty much where I was at the beginning of this post, contemplating a simple question: which side IS stronger?

4 Comments

  1. Interesting question Michelle, which I think would have a different answer depending on what you were doing.
    Reading your blog it seems you have found a good equilibrium in work and home. Well done 👏👏
    I am going through a period, where Jenny needs more space and so for me, this side is stronger, as she is calling out to be heard.
    Thanks for sharing 🙋🏻‍♀️

    • Thanks for your comments Jenny. It’s amazing how a simple question can lead to so much thought and result in even better understand of oneself.
      Michelle

  2. Kelly Simpson

    I really appreciate your insightful questing and questioning, Michelle. Taking that question and really turning it over and then over again. Smart. And inspiring. So, thank you for sharing of your journey.
    Sitting by the fire tonight, alone and en femme these past 2 nights while my spouse is away, doing housework in heels and skirt, sleeping in my nightie and filled bra, I feel a peace with this expression I have been missing.
    Thank you again. I do look forward to your sharing.
    Kelly

    • Thank you for reading Kelly. I’m always happy when someone can take, even just a small snippet, of something away from my experiences and/or thoughts. Stay safe.
      Michelle

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