Going Full-time bigender?

I’m usually an impulsive publisher, meaning I usually come up with my ideas in my head while doing some mundane task, then put fingers to keyboard later that day and hit publish right away. The following though has been sitting for over a week and had a couple going overs. Humm.

The wording in the title may seem redundant. Being bigender, it’s with me all the time already, right?

Due to the COVID-19 issue, there are no places to get my hair cut and we don’t own any clippers. For that reason, my hair is getting quite long. It’s been 10 years since I had it this long, that was after my first retirement from the RCAF and lasted for about four or five months. That was by choice. Not now. Even though the regulations for men’s hair has been relaxed, I feel somewhat uneasy about my full head of hair when expressing male at work in uniform.

Back in my teens and early 20’s, all I had was my natural hair, no wigs. I wondered now what I could do with the mop that I’m currently blessed with. So I played around with it a bit the other day with some interesting results. It felt quit nice to sport my own hair and the resulting pictures got me to wondering “do I now need to match my gender expression to my hair?”

Living a double life?

Which then got me to wondering; as a bigender individual, I enjoy my manhood just as much as I enjoy being able to express that female part of me. While others in the similar situations as mine may be able to express female at home and male at work only, I find myself in the reverse situation. The CAF is an open and accepting employer. If I want, I could express as Michelle at work all the time, not so at home. I respect my wife’s request not to be (currently) involved with Michelle, but my “need” to be me is always present. So could I express male at home and female at work for extended periods? Like living some sort of double life?

I’ve worked my shifts while expressing female, getting ready at home and “sneaking” out before my wife got up, or changing on the way to/from work. On my 40 minute cycle into work for a night shift, just hours after playing with my hair, I conjured up the idea of leaving some female cloths in my locker at work, plan on arriving 10-15 mins early to change and throw on a quick face, ok, so maybe 20 mins early to spray down and style hair a bit too. I already have a flightsuit there, could add a skirt (I have two) and blouse, and would just need a few other items. Makeup I’d bring in my backpack and for now, no wig required. I’d arrange to reserve the single stall women’s bathroom for the time it takes to change. I’d probably not express female during my night shifts or just go makeup-less.

Hair.

Now I have a hair dilemma. There are currently only regulations for men’s hair and women’s hair (unlike some European countries militaries). There is the CF Mil Pers Instr 01/19 – TRANSGENDER GUIDANCE, which is great for members who are transitioning. Bigender and gender non-conforming members are still in the grey area. In male mode, my hair can’t be touching my ears. If I was transitioning, no issue growing it out. But right now I’m required to select which Dress Reg (male of female) I’m going to follow. Yes wigs are easy, but could I be the one to challenge the establishment. I’ve done a bit of digging and found that it would more than likely be at the local (Unit or Wing) level, where approval might be considered as part of an individuals gender expression. I’m not sure if I should go there. Maybe I’ll just enjoy what I can for now and go back to my wig when the time comes.

My last two day shifts I expressed female. First day with natural hair, second with wig. I received compliments on both. I have to admit though I do prefer the short blond wig as I think it makes me look younger.

Seeking answers.

I’ve re-established contact with my local mental health folks to try and sort things out, both with my desire to express more and communications with my dear, lovely wife.

The question posed in the title is still open. Hopefully, to be answered sooner than later.

Michelle

7 Comments

  1. Hi Michelle, my advice would be, pick your battles. What gain for what pain? Does it blunt your effectiveness for any later skirmishes?
    Good luck.
    Geraldine

    • Thanks Geraldine. My “push” may not ultimetly be for me, but for others who follow, to make their lives a bit easier.

  2. Kelly Mason

    Hi Michelle,
    Really enjoy your posts; thank you so much for them. And, lucky you!, your lockdown hair looks marvellous. Hope you can keep it but, if you can’t keep it long, well, I’m sure you look great in wigs too.
    New to expressing this side of me but loving it. So many questions but, for now, just appreciation.
    Thanks again,
    Kelly

    • Thank you Kelly. My longer hair has been gone for a few weeks now, oh will, it was fun while it lasted.
      Enjoy expressing the full “you”, when and how you can. It can be very mentally liberating for sure. If you have any questions at any time, please feel free to contact me via FB or michelledeere140@yahooo.com.au

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