Looking back for clues
In light of my recent declaration that I’m bigender, I spent the morning of Sat 01 Feb, reading my blog from the very beginning and picking out some key points of interest. I wondered what I would find. It’s definitely interesting to see the progressive change in my understanding and thoughts about myself.
Although, not too long ago, I had labelled myself as gender fluid (which was a better description than crossdresser as it not just about the clothes), I didn’t feel 100% good about doing so; I have some control over when/how I can express myself. It hit me this past week while reading another blog, I had never considered the term bigender and its application. But it is actually a best fit for me.
It is quite curious how the signals have always been there. I’ve also wondered about things like why I chose the name for my blog or how I selected the cover picture for my female Facebook page; there must have been some unseen/unconscious influence.
So here is what I have pulled from my blog:
First Post, appearance – Dec 23 2011: When Michelle is able to appear, I like to look as passible as possible and be accepted in the real world as just another woman.
Why? – Dec 24 2011: I believe there is something deeper in our psychological makeup that pushes us to do this.
Not normal, or? – Dec 31 2011: I never had a real girlfriend during high school, had a crush on one, but was too shy ever to ask her out….had friends who were girls, ”so I must be normal, somehow, as I still have an interest in girls”……”oh I like what she is wearing, wonder what it would look like on me?”…….lol. “I’m confused, but I bet it would look good”.
I slept in my sisters room, in her nighty, got up the next morning and dressed 100% in her barn clothes and went and did chores…
Starting to accept myself – Jan 19 2012: this is not something that we simply can abandon. It is part of us, part of me. This is who I am. I’m a normal guy, with a fantastic wife, great kids, enjoying myself as a father and husband, partaking in all my kids activities, home handyman, gardener, and oh yes, I’m a crossdresser. I accept myself for who I am.
A guy with thoughts – Apr 16 2012: Just to clarify; I am a guy, I like being a guy. I like being a dad and a husband. I do not want to be a woman full time (I would be lying if I said I had not fantasized about this possibility…giggle), just sometimes when the urge, or planned urge, hits me.
Passing yes, but there is more – Aug 21 2012: I want to look as feminine as possible. I have no intention of becoming a woman, I am not denying to myself that I am a male (I’m very happy being one, thank you), but for that time when the desire so occurs, I want to portray a woman as best I can, act the part, be the part and if going out in public, receive the recognition for a stellar performance as an actor/actress; passing.
First mention of expression and gender – March 22 2013: Or I could describe myself as a guy (I may have mentioned that already) who sometimes likes to wear the clothes of the opposite sex (crossdress). While crossdressed in these clothes, I like to portray the image of a woman by adding make-up, hair and female mannerisms (crossact). While crossacting, I am expressing or displaying characteristics of the opposite gender to which I was born (transgender). How’s that for a long winded description using multiple labels?
Understanding? Not yet – May 7 2014: I had set out with the purpose of this blog to see if I could find an answer to the question “why”, but, like so many others, have not been able to find it. Instead, I have come to understand crossdressing and the role it plays in my life.
Starting to realize something – June 12 2014: When I transform myself from the look of an everyday guy to that of a woman, it is all exterior decorating. Change the hair, change the face with makeup, change the texture of the skin by shaving and change the overall look by donning clothes that a woman would wear. My thoughts don’t change, my personal views don’t change, the things I love and hate don’t change. The only reason I would change my mannerisms, again an external manifestation, is so that they match the image I am portraying. My overall intent when I dress is to look like and to emulate a woman to the best of my ability. This has always been my goal when dressing from as far back as I can remember.
I still don’t know why I do what I do (this crazy, enjoyable thing called crossdressing), but with every little discovery, I’m understanding myself more.
I am me!
A female portion to my brain? – Oct 20 2014: I have previously stated, there is “no girl trying to get out” or a “second self”, but then, why do I have these “girly” thoughts. And why, when I dress, do I have this need to portray a womanly image? There is obviously a small portion of my brain that is “female”
Progression – July 18 2017: Despite my best personal effort and belief that I had “found” myself a number of years ago, through writing my own and reading others blogs, I now believe I am on a similar road of progression and self-discovery that so many others have experienced.
Comfortable – June 14 2018: Comfortable with my hair and make-up. Comfortable with my clothes. Comfortable with my presentation. Comfortable in my mind. Comfortable being me.
A summary of hints that my female gender was trying to reaching out and be known – July 12 2018, Am I now also experiencing the “finding ones true self”? And if so, what the hell is it? I used to describe myself as a “hetero-crossdresser”, but I’m now thinking there is more to me than that. There is a deep seated desire to be much more than just my male self. I know there is always a process of maturing and education throughout our entire lives, but while reflecting on my outings in Ottawa and digging deep into the recesses of my mind, there seems to have always been a part of me that has wanted to show/express my female person.
Which brings me to where I am today.
I’m bigender (with a hint of fluidity) and pride of it!
- Posted in: Thoughts.