Thinking. Progress. Destination.
Reflect on the events of this past Saturday and some questions that where asked of me, along with the phone chat I had recently with the social worker in Halifax, I am starting to wonder where my current journey may take me.
(Saturday July 15th was raising of the Pride flag in Wolfville Nova Scotia. I had been determined to attend and was fortunate to be joined by some friends I had previously met along with meeting new ones.)
Questions posed: What am I hoping to gain from the mental health services? If I could dress (present) more often, would I? Am I still finding myself? Transgender, crossdresser, gender queer…what am I?
In the past, I have had a feeling of loss when, after finding someone (on line) who presented very nicely in there feminine role and seemed to be of similar mind set as myself, would then decide to progress further down the transgender road and transition or at least live their lives as “their true selves”. I felt like I had lost a “brother”.
I’m still jealous of those who are able to express themselves with little restriction or with exceptional presentation. There are also those in larger cities who have social support groups where they meet monthly and have outings with friend and/or spouses. We really don’t have anything like that in Nova Scotia (not yet anyways).
There is at least one contact I have on FB who has found a balance in their lives and is very happy being a guy but has also embraced their female side, is fully out and alternates between the two as events and occasions dictate.
In the couple of sessions I’ve had with social workers, I tell them I have lived my life balancing the crossdressing with my other life responsibilities. I’m now of the belief that I’m now placing more weight on the crossdressing (now referred to as transgender) end of the scale and I’m looking to move the fulcrum to regain that balance. What is it going to take to move that point? What do I need to do to regain a balance. That’s one of the objectives I have in discussing this with the social worker.
This past Saturday, I spent almost 8 hrs presenting as female. Met with friends, had coffee, attended a public gathering, stopped for gas and milk, bought ice-cream and sat around in public, all while feeling completely “at ease”. There was no feeling of nervousness. (I don’t think there is a single word to describe the feeling of excitement/euphoria/happiness/enjoyment/normalcy that I was experiencing). There wasn’t even the normal desire to snap pictures every few minutes. This was all about being out and interacting in public presenting as Michelle…being “normal”.
I’m quite happy with my presentation and had a fantastic time. But where does that experience leave me?
Back to trying to answer some of my questions; if I could dress (present) more often, would I? Right as of this moment, yes. Although it takes a lot of preparation (ie close, close shave etc), it would not be something I’d do for days on end. More along the lines of a couple times a week or as a situation allowed. Maybe nothing for weeks. Does this thought pattern (along with many other’s swirling around my grey matter) now remove me from the simple ‘Crossdresser’ label and place me more firmly into the ‘Transgender’ one? Personally I thinking yes. I love to present my femme side. Or does this make me Gender Queer, a newer term being bantered around these days?
In the past number of years, I have read may others personal experiences on progression and had wondered if it could/would happen to me. I had denied for the longest time that it could (I was happy with who I was and how my dressing was incorporated into my life and treated it as a hobby), but now realize I seem to be following the same progression as so many others. Is this a result of aging? Chemical changes (differing amounts, differing results for different people) in the brains of transgender folk maybe? I’m sure these days, due to a more accepting public (for the most part, at least in Canada), if one has any sort of tendency towards being trans*, this might bring them out of the proverbial closet.
As so many have experienced, as a young child when I first dressed, I had no idea of social restrictions, sexual feelings etc, I just wanted to LOOK like the girls. Adolescence came with the usual feelings of arousal/pleasure. This past Saturday however, I have to admit, was the first time I went all day with no sexual feelings…I was just being me. More progressive steps down the road to…?
Am I still finding myself?
Despite my best personal effort and belief that I had “found” myself a number of years ago, through writing my own and reading others blogs, I now believe I am on a similar road of progression and self-discovery that so many others have experienced.
I really don’t know where this is now going to take me…