An admission and a rethink on labels
A rapid update to my last post.
Ok, ok already. Enough!
As I said in my last post, I thought I had things straight in my head. Well not so quick there boy-oh.
As I read new posts on varying threads over the last number of days, I have found myself going back and forth on a number of issues. I found myself agreeing with one writer, and then agreeing with the next writer who had a slightly different take on the subject. Then agreeing with yet another who saw things differently. Why was I being so indecisive? I obviously still possessed some internal strife, and even though I have written twice before that I thought I had found myself in a nice cosy self-understanding, that is obviously not the case.
Admission to self
*(I know there is no such thing as normal, but you know what I mean)
“I’m just a normal guy who…”
Well, after a lot of thinking and talking to myself while on the treadmill, I now have to admit, I am not a normal guy. I have to acknowledge and affirm that I am transgender. When one has thoughts like “that’s a nice dress. Wonder how I would look in it?” that’s not a “normal guy” thought. When I want to rid my body of hair so I can wear a sleeveless dress and enjoy the feel of pantyhose of bare skin…that’s not what a “normal guy” would do. I LOVE beer, chips and chocolate, “normal guy” stuff. But when thoughts like, “I need to pass on that delectable looking chocolate cheese cake because I don’t want to ruin all the work I have done to trim down to look good in that new skirt and blouse”, that’s not a “normal guy” thought. Would a “normal” guy push his chest muscles/flesh together to see what kind of cleavage could be achieved or when the office is empty, pull out a nail file and take care of a slight chipped nail so that they will look good next time nail polish is applied to them? I don’t think so.
I have previously stated, there is “no girl trying to get out” or a “second self”, but then, why do I have these “girly” thoughts. And why, when I dress, do I have this need to portray a womanly image? There is obviously a small portion of my brain that is “female”. Any of these thoughts or activities put my firmly in the transgender category. And because I sometimes dress in the clothing commonly associated with the opposite sex, I am indeed a crossdresser.
Labels. I’m a ______.
No one should feel pressured to label themselves and nobody should force a label onto those who don’t want one, but labels may not be all bad.
So I’ve come full circle and have re-applied labels to myself and I now believe that labels are quite useful. They let those with whom you are conversing know from what objective point you are talking. Obviously though, we have many different labels that we apply to ourselves every day, depending on our surroundings. If I’m at work, the label I am tagged with is “Site Manager”. When with a group of aviation personnel, the label is “Pilot”. If I wandered through a mall and came across a display from a local Model Railroad club, I would tag myself as a “model railroader”. So obviously, in this forum, I bear the labels Transgender /Crossdresser.
I will stick with the attitude that I will not waste energy or time in search of an answer as to why I do what I do.
Even though for a long time I have identified myself as being a heterosexual crossdresser and as such, belong under the umbrella term of transgender, I have obviously been scared to admit that I am also actually transgender. It still feels a bit strange to type that and re-read it, but it does feel like a weight has been listed off my chest.
Let’s see how long it takes before I change my mind…again…lol.