I am Me
I have just recently read an older post by Jess that made me stop and think. It was entitled “Not Him and Not Her, Just Me”. Have a read if you haven’t already.
After reading the post, I re-read all my posts and found I was following a similar pattern as so many other crossdressers, referring to myself as Michelle for the times when I’m dressed, thereby separating that part of me from my male self. But, I have to agree with Jess, I don’t really have “him and her” selves residing in the same body.
When I transform myself from the look of an everyday guy to that of a woman, it is all exterior decorating. Change the hair, change the face with makeup, change the texture of the skin by shaving and change the overall look by donning clothes that a woman would wear. My thoughts don’t change, my personal views don’t change, the things I love and hate don’t change. The only reason I would change my mannerisms, again an external manifestation, is so that they match the image I am portraying. My overall intent when I dress is to look like and to emulate a woman to the best of my ability (aka Crossacting see Alexis’ blog). This has always been my goal when dressing from as far back as I can remember.
I have no desire to start watching women’s shows or reading women’s magazines. I don’t have an urge to hang flowery drapes or “gurly up” the furniture or whatever. I believe that despite there being no “girl trying to get out”, I have been following the example of so many others when they write about themselves. I believed that this was the way it must be done. I thought I was following some sort of unwritten rule.
I refer to “Michelle’s things”. No, they are mine. I say things like “let her out of her box”. There’s nobody in there.
Jess’s post also made me think of how I spend my time dressed. Most of my dressing sessions last but for a few hours, normally alone. I don’t talk to anybody, well maybe the dog. I only have time to think of what I want to wear in the next picture and where to take it and “oh, how much time do I have left”. The few times I have been out with a crowed (years ago) I was a guy dressed like a girl and doing a really good job. The other couple of times I was driving or the once out with my wife, I was still me. I reflect back on my last outing, in Jan 2013 and can still remember how I felt. Yep, I was me, out, passing as best as I could as a woman. It wasn’t someone else, some woman called Michelle, it was me. Take a moment and look back over the last few sentences….I, me, my.
I wonder if this is also why I said I felt like an outsider in my March 22 2013 post as so many others who post talk about the “woman inside” etc. And having re-read the part under “Femininus” and can see I was struggling with the “her and me” dilemma. But I didn’t express myself clearly enough. In fact it is only now that I have become enlightened.
I’ll still use the name Michelle as a pen name and for the fact it fits the feminine image I create. My writing wouldn’t;t change either as it has always been me writing this stuff.
I still don’t know why I do what I do (this crazy, enjoyable thing called crossdressing), but with every little discovery, I’m understanding myself more.
I am me!
_____________ (insert name here…lol)