I am Me

I have just recently read an older post by Jess that made me stop and think. It was entitled “Not Him and Not Her, Just Me”. Have a read if you haven’t already.

After reading the post, I re-read all my posts and found I was following a similar pattern as so many other crossdressers, referring to myself as Michelle for the times when I’m dressed, thereby separating that part of me from my male self. But, I have to agree with Jess, I don’t really have “him and her” selves residing in the same body.

When I transform myself from the look of an everyday guy to that of a woman, it is all exterior decorating. Change the hair, change the face with makeup, change the texture of the skin by shaving and change the overall look by donning clothes that a woman would wear. My thoughts don’t change, my personal views don’t change, the things I love and hate don’t change. The only reason I would change my mannerisms, again an external manifestation, is so that they match the image I am portraying. My overall intent when I dress is to look like and to emulate a woman to the best of my ability (aka Crossacting see Alexis’ blog). This has always been my goal when dressing from as far back as I can remember.

I have no desire to start watching women’s shows or reading women’s magazines. I don’t have an urge to hang flowery drapes or “gurly up” the furniture or whatever. I believe that despite there being no “girl trying to get out”, I have been following the example of so many others when they write about themselves. I believed that this was the way it must be done. I thought I was following some sort of unwritten rule.

I refer to “Michelle’s things”. No, they are mine. I say things like “let her out of her box”. There’s nobody in there.

Jess’s post also made me think of how I spend my time dressed. Most of my dressing sessions last but for a few hours, normally alone. I don’t talk to anybody, well maybe the dog. I only have time to think of what I want to wear in the next picture and where to take it and “oh, how much time do I have left”. The few times I have been out with a crowed (years ago) I was a guy dressed like a girl and doing a really good job. The other couple of times I was driving or the once out with my wife, I was still me. I reflect back on my last outing, in Jan 2013 and can still remember how I felt. Yep, I was me, out, passing as best as I could as a woman. It wasn’t someone else, some woman called Michelle, it was me. Take a moment and look back over the last few sentences….I, me, my.

I wonder if this is also why I said I felt like an outsider in my March 22 2013 post as so many others who post talk about the “woman inside” etc. And having re-read the part under “Femininus” and can see I was struggling with the “her and me” dilemma. But I didn’t express myself clearly enough. In fact it is only now that I have become enlightened.

I’ll still use the name Michelle as a pen name and for the fact it fits the feminine image I create. My writing wouldn’t;t change either as it has always been me writing this stuff.

I still don’t know why I do what I do (this crazy, enjoyable thing called crossdressing), but with every little discovery, I’m understanding myself more.

I am me!

 

_____________ (insert name here…lol)

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5 Comments

  1. I am happy that my post helped you clarify things for yourself and for the endorsement. Perhaps one day we will know why we do what we do, perhaps not until then “Remember, I’m pulling for you. We’re all in this together.” Red Green

  2. That’s a wonderfully healthy outlook, Michelle! I frankly find it a bit disturbing when crossdressers try to convince themselves that they really do have a completely split personality, each “half” having entirely different mannerisms, preferences, etc. I try not to judge — just as I would hope they don’t judge me for NOT presenting as female — but I still worry that this kind of deliberate schizophrenia could lead to some very real mental health issues further down the road. Oh well, not my problem.

    And since Jess closed with a quote, I’ll throw in a note of encouragement too: “I just wanted to tell you both good luck — we’re all counting on you.” Leslie Nielsen, in “Airplane!”

  3. Wow, well said. I’ve never really thought of cross dressing in those terms before, but it makes total sense.I know it’s all me and, like you say, my tastes don’t change because of how I’m dressed. I think I separate my two selves primarily for the sake of others. It just makes things easier and more comfortable for people to make the ‘Sally’ assumption than to have to confront the idea of a man passing in women’s clothes.

    Oh, and kudos to Jess – loved the Red Green quote. 🙂

  4. Michelle: I have wrestled with who my “femme side” is in relation to my “andro side.” I agree with your view that both “sides” are not sides but aspects of one and the same person. I can express myself sometimes in ways that are considered female, but also enjoy some clearly male-dominated activities. Not only that, but when en femme, I don’t have a strong urge to have pillow fights with other girls (or gurls) or do some flower arranging. I instead just enjoy doing things that I do otherwise, such as housework, cooking, or just curled up in a chair watching a good movie. Hang in there, girlfriend! 🙂

  5. barrbara57

    Hi Michelle, I enjoyed this post very much. For me, being dressed up, making a cup of tea, sitting down to do some office work etc, there is a degree of self-conscious enjoyment of (a rare opportunity) to be me, yes, but to be me, as Barbara. And Barbara is just the name of the me that wears a skirt and heels, that doesn’t get a look in when I am wearing jeans to do house renovations. And from me also a quote, from the Sound of Music: Me, a name I call myself. 😉

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