Progressing and Withdrawing

Well nothing really much to report, although I thought it was about time to add something to keep things alive.

I was going to write about how most of my movie viewing is done on long haul flights and that I had the opportunity to watch a couple of movies for the first time. About how I watched Trans America and enjoyed the movie, how I thought Felicity Huffman did an excellent job. Or that I could only watch a few minutes of a kids movie “Barnyard” (I have many years farming experience) but that I could not get over the “male cows”…the ones with udders…males with milk producing glands (after thought, ok, maybe the animators had a hidden message here..?), but all that sounded a bit boring, so I wouldn’t subject you to it.

Progressing and Withdrawing

Over the last little while, I’ve been thinking about a thread I read from the wife of a CDer, asking what the deal was with progressing. Why did we (CD’s) need to progress?

Most of the responses pointed out that, yes, we are all different but suggest that for those who progress from just wearing the occasional article of clothing all the way to transition, that they must have had a predisposition for Gender Dysphonia for which dressing was not the solution, more the means to the end. I had noted in an earlier post that I thought that most of the CD’s who frequently post, are the ones who are most “out” and often are the ones partaking in events with regularity, some of whom could well fit this description.

I had also read something about how possible chemical changes in our brains over time my lead to changed personal attitudes towards crossdressing. That a tolerance would develop to wearing just a few pieces of clothing and one “must” progress to the next level to be satisfied. While not being a brain specialist, I would agree that the brain is very susceptible to chemical changes within the body, whether internally generated (hormones) or externally introduced (take alcohol for a simple example). The brain is a very powerful thing and we have only just started to scratch the surface of our understanding about how it works.

I agree that we are all different, that “progressing” means something different for each one of us. I also believe we are “per-programmed” (though I’m sure some will be in disagreement with that suggestion), that the chemical soup that sloshes about our bodies and brains has similar ingredients, just varying amounts of each ingredient  in each individual. It’s the same soup, but just a little bit different.

If I could use another hobby as an example of differing progresses in individuals; take model railroading (railways for GB).

Not everyone does it or gets it. For those who participate in this hobby (anybody out there?) do you recall how it started? Anyway, you may start with a simple loop and a siding on a 4’x8’ piece of plywood. That might lead to adding buildings, more track and scenery. That may satisfy your modeling needs for a while, but that might not be enough. You now need to find more room to add extra track, more rolling stock, add locomotives. You start spending more time and money on your trains. Does your layout start infringing on other family activities? (Where the family table tennis table use to be is now layout?). Did this individuals’ wife know what she was in for when she married him? That an interest in toy trains would eventually take-over the family room? I believe similarities with CDing can be seen here. The thing is, progressing for one person may not go much beyond that 4×8 plywood layout with some added scenery and buildings, that’s what makes them happy, while someone else has to take over the whole basement!

All this to say, that I have also been reflecting on my own progression. I recall from early on, I had always dressed as fully as I could, to look as feminine as I could, I did not believe I was a girl trapped in a guy’s body (I have always been, and shall always be a guy).  My progression has taken me from dressing alone at home to getting out in public. Being out in public is the pinnacle of my progression. Though I managed to reach that point many years ago, once family life commenced, Michelle withdrew back into the shadows. Only recently have I had the opportunity to once again get out as Michelle. These chances are very few and far between; even just dressing at home is very limited. But I’m ok with that. I believe this is the end point in my CDing progression with maybe the exception of being able to meet other local CD’s enfem. I have no plans of making this a weekly or more frequent activity, there is too much other stuff going on in my life for this hobby to overwhelm it. I’ll enjoy when I can.

Another take on my progression is the experience I have had letting Michelle loose on the internet.

I started by being one of those “lurkers”. Then posting a few pictures, joining forums, exchanging some messages and emails with others. Through all the reading I have done as well as the writing of this blog, I have reached a state of self-understanding. My previous post described a mental purge. What I now believe is that this indicates I am happy with where my life is, how Michelle has played her part in my life and how the internet has satisfied my need to “get out”. I no longer have a dire “need” to add my two cents to threads, or receive compliments on my photos (although that is always nice, who doesn’t) and therefor I find myself withdrawing from the www. That’s not to say I’ll completely disappear, but over the next while I believe I will be paring down my flickr page and may not be posting as often. I’ll probably become just another infrequent lurker again.

Wow, ok, so for not having much to say, I rambled on a bit.

Well, that is my take on progressing and will explain why I may not be around as much.

Wondering if others have also found this plateau and at what stage of your progression did it occur?

Thanks for reading.

Michelle.

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2 Comments

  1. Hi Michelle. I haven’t found that plateau. I am still progressing! However, I recognise that there are some of us who progress right through to full transition, while others of us find a balance somewhere else.

    I only dress a handful of times a year. Would I like to go full time? No! I quite enjoy being a man most of the time. Surgery or hormones? No thanks! But would I like to be a bit freer? Sure.

    You need to do what’s right for you. There is no “one size fits all” when it comes to dressing.

    Best wishes for whatever comes.

    Vivienne.

  2. I meant to add that I adore Doctor Who. But you probably knew that already!!

    V.

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