Confliction and doubts.

Well, I have once again returned to my overseas place of employment after spending a busy (as usual) time at home with the family. No major project this time, just Thanksgiving (Canada ah), time spent volunteering at the local rink and high school hockey tournament, getting the house and vehicles ready for the inevitable east coast winter and then with only a couple of days before departing, the opportunity to dress for a few hours.

It’s been nine months since make-up touched my face, or girl clothes graced my body. I knew at my last session that it would be a while, what with all the family activates and construction project to be completed during the spring and summer, so I did not miss dressing.

This brings me to late October. I have in the past looked at the calendar of events scheduled during my home time and planned (sometimes just wishful thinking) when I could squeeze in a few hours of Michelle time. This time, the calendar was pretty full except for the Thursday morning before my weekend departure.

As an aside, I know this is something I have to sit down and talk to my wife about, but over the last number of years (since the kids arrived) she has not been around much when I dress, either by her choice or mine. She has “inadvertently” see me at the end of a session as I head to the shower to get cleaned up, but I really don’t know how she feels anymore about this part of me.

Anyway, she had nothing on the calendar that day which lead to a bit of a dilemma for me as most of my dressing is done after she leave the house. I was planning to ask her after the kids left for school, but I found I had very conflicting feelings about whether to go ahead with it or not…”do I really need to do this? I could use this time to finish some of those last minute jobs. But I kind of really want to, it’s been so long. But maybe I could wait ‘til next time?”. There was a level of guilt I was feeling about asking to do this ‘selfish’ deed.
“ok, kids are all gone, going to ask now……after I finish breakfast……now…..no, unload dishwasher first….now is good…..have another coffee first…..man, I got to do this soon or the morning will be gone”.
I very sheepishly walked up behind her as she checked her email and FB, rubbed her shoulders and asked….”would it be ok if I had some alternate me time?” “ Yeh, that’s ok, I have to go out a get a few things . I was relieved but still felt somewhat guilty about doing it.

I was able to shave and put on makeup before she left the house. Nine months, boy am I out of practice with makeup  that and eyes that now require glasses for seeing things up close, made for an interesting time. I was also trying for a more subdued daytime look, not necessarily one that looks so good in pictures. Also shorter hair and more age appropriate clothing. As my time was limited, a number of quick changes were conducted with the obligatory pictures taken, only a few of which were any good.
Finally, changed into my comfy leggings and a sweatshirt and did some cleaning (litter boxes) before my wife walked in the door (dog was asleep and provided no warning that anybody was in the driveway). I finished what I was doing, asked what she thought of the shorter hair, “it’s ok”, then headed to get changed (and clean the shower at the same time).

It was a bit of a strange morning, despite wanting to dress really badly a number of weeks earlier, when the opportunity came, it almost felt like I wouldn’t  couldn’t  shouldn’t or dare I say didn’t need to. Is the desire waning? Once I got dressed I enjoyed the experience but ………..

M.

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7 Comments

  1. A very honest post, Michelle.

    This has been a real issue for me at times. The desire to crossdress burns and burns, but the eventual opportunity is weeks later, by which time, without doubt, the desire has waned a fair bit, and I sort of feel like I am just going through the motions. But then I think: hey, if I don’t do it now, who knows when I will get the chance again? And I try to enjoy it, but it feels as if I am forcing it a bit. And sometimes I feel guilty about wanting to do it. I really get all of what you describe.

    I think you’re right, though, that a conversation with your wife about the place of crossdressing in both your lives is probably worthwhile. But how easy it is for me to say that! It’s very difficult for me to approach the subject of crossdressing with my wife; sometimes she is completely fine with it, and at others the very mention of the subject makes her tense and angry. So I don’t blame you in the least for being tentative about it.

    Best wishes anyhow,

    Vivienne.

    • Thanks Vivienne. Again, it’s one of those “you’re not alone” scenarios :). In my readings, I don’t think I have come across this before. Nice (can I use that word, not exactly nice, kind of sad actually that it has to happen) to know I’m not the only one. I enjoy this hobby, just don’t get the opportunities that I use to and when they do present themselves, have to make every minute count.
      Michelle

  2. I’ve tried a few times to have a conversation with my wife about the topic, but she just isn’t interested enough to analyze it. She knows it’s something I need to do and she has been gracious enough to never ever complain or criticize, but the one time she responded to an email I sent baring my soul to her, she explained that it’s just something she puts up with but “it’s not the part of you I like best”, and compared it to obnoxious habits of hers that she knows I endure without complaint because that’s what people who love each other do.

    So I’m kind of torn. If she knows and you’re not deceiving her, you’ve done her job. For me and Mrs. Ralph, email at least works a little better at addressing emotionally charged subjects; it gives us both time to consider our words and responses and make sure we get in everything we need to say. So one approach might be to write up an essay of the things you think she should know, and send an email along the lines of “Some time when you’re ready I’d like to talk about Michelle, or you can just read these notes I put together. If you don’t want to discuss it I understand, but I don’t want to hide anything from you.”

    I like to tell myself the desire doesn’t burn all that deeply for me (Vivienne* knows I don’t care about passing, which is why I don’t use a “femme” name) but that’s easy for me to say when I work at home with an understanding wife, and can dress however I like almost 24/7. If I only had a few hours a month (or less) I would probably not take it for granted so much, and I’d be underdressing six ways from Sunday to at least get a minimal fix to keep me sane. I realize that for y’all part-time ladies who don’t feel complete unless you go the whole enchilada underdressing isn’t a solution, but for those of us who just like the feel of the fabric, it makes all the difference in the world to have comfy nylon panties and/or leotard and tights on under my grungy t-shirt and jeans (my “man suit”, I call it when I have to go out into the world).

    * PS — Hi, Vivienne! I responded to your comments on Thorin’s board but I kept it brief because I felt like we were derailing his topic, and sometimes he takes a week or so before he gets around to approving comments. Any time our discussions stray from the blog owner’s goal feel free to continue via email; my gmail account is CDRalph2010 .

    • Thanks for your contribution and ideas Ralph. Something I shall consider.
      M.

  3. Michelle,
    Just a quick note to thank you for following my blog (Randa Lane – Same Sex, New Clothes). I have only recently discovered your blog, which, to me, is the Gold Standard of blogs on the topic of crossdressing! “Confliction and Doubts” very neatly and powerfully summarizes my own limited experience with crossdressing and gives me hope. I look forward to your next offering!

    Hugs,

    Randa

    • Hi Randa,

      thank you very much for those kind words. I have never considered myself much of a writer, in fact, I (used to) hate writing…any assignment that required a minimum of x words, that’s how many I submitted..lol and usually at the last minuet.
      As I may have mentions in my blog, I find I have some extra time on my hands, both during “off” hours and like now (I’m alone on my office space, things are quiet) and I’ve done a lot of reading and thinking about this hobby, finally deciding to ‘get out there’ and write this stuff down. My blogs may not be regular, more just as I come across an interesting topic or my gray matter sparks to life.
      I welcome any and all thoughts anybody may have regarding my blogs. I believe you are never too old or experienced to learn something new.

      Michelle.

  4. Pat Scales

    Michelle,
    I like both how you write and what you have to say. We are all a mix of inclinations, desires and circumstances. I am a happy guy. Decent, not great, career. Wonderful long term marriage. Two grown kids. I like who I am and what I do.
    I also love dressing.
    Pat

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